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Depression – A Black Hole

May 28, 2009

Nothing is worse then depression. When you feel lost and hopeless; like you are trapped and there is no escape. In these moments my world is dark and cold and all I want to do is sleep … or die. I can picture my lifeless body lying on the floor, pools of blood encircling me.

With this depression comes loneliness and isolation. I don’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. I don’t want to talk on the phone or even to my wife. I just want to retreat into my inner world and curl up in the fetal position, rocking myself like an infant. How I wish I could go back to the innocent days of childhood when I was worry and care free. Even the tiniest responsibility feels overwhelming and the smallest obstacle insurmountable. Worse yet, I am certain there is no one in the world who understands. How could they possibly understand? I am all alone.

I know I have friends and a wife who love me and have listened, but I fear they will grow tired of my overwhelming, unending sadness and abandon me. I can’t stand feeling this way but am powerless to change. I am a prisoner, my arms and legs shackled together like a calf that is hog tied and waiting for slaughter. I am unable to move. Friends can avoid or ignore. For me there is no escape.

Right now I hate life. I hate myself, my job and the world. I feel no joy. I am despondent. I have no mental, physical or emotional energy. I feel as if I have nothing left to give to anyone, even to myself. If I could will away this depression I would in a heartbeat. I would make a deal with the devil himself to feel normal again; to laugh; to sing; to care.

The doctors say this will pass. That this is just a result of burn out, caused by prolonged and excessive stress. Many people confuse stress and being overworked with burn out. They are incredibly wrong, uninformed and naïve. Stress involves too much: too many pressures that demand too much of you. But, you can still manage if you can just get everything under control. Burnout, on the other hand, is about not enough and results in your feeling empty, devoid of motivation, and beyond caring.  It is feeling undervalued, unappreciated and lacking in control. When you are burned out you don’t see any hope for positive change in your situation. The former is drowning in responsibilities and the later is being all dried up. I am all dried up like a dead rotting flower, its petals falling helplessly and unnoticed to the earth.

Right now I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I am hoping, no, praying, that someone pierces that darkness with a pin and let’s the light stream in. In the end it will have to be me. But right now I don’t even have the ability to find the pin, let alone use it to pierce the darkness.

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8 comments

  1. I know exactly what you mean. You summed up Depression quite well. I don’t like the fact that someone else is suffering but it lets me know I am not alone, nor are you. I wish I could say something that would help but it all sounds the same and I am sure you’ve heard it already. Reach out if you can…


  2. I have felt depression like that. It is horrible. But, it goes away. It’s so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but that light is there. It is hard to hurt. The pain and numbness can be overwhelming. We love you. Lynnie


    • What the hell do you know?! It goes away my ass. I’ve been clinically depressed most of my life and now at the end of things all I can see is sadness and suffering. And no, drugs do not work.


  3. Hey! Thank you for sharing such intimate thoughts with me. You write beautifully. A combination of such intelligence and such heart. I understand depression only too well. I have suffered from such despair I did not want to live. I spent 3 weeks in a mental hospital 22 years ago. It was the most important 3 weeks of my life. A beginning of healing and health that has been an ongoing journey. I’d love to hear your voice again. I think of you often and say a prayer now for your health and healing. Know that you are loved. Email me at daleydebra@ymail.com and I’ll give you my phone number. Be good to yourself Joanne, if you can go running (it WILL help).


  4. You are not dried up in my eyes. What you gave me two weeks ago was invaluable. I will always view you as a beautiful, blooming flower. My wish is that you feel the way I see you very soon.


  5. I Googled. Black hole of depression & I found this website. Like the post said below I’m sorry that you’re going through this but now, I too, don’t feel alone or crazy. I would not wish this on anyone.I used to be so happy that people just could not understand how I could be so happy all of the time. Now I’m in this black hole & so many people just don’t get it. I’m so tired of being this way. I’ve been this way since 1998. There is no medicine out there that helps. I feel that my happy self is still in me but I can’t getu her out. I know about everything that you posted but I can’t give up no matter what. There have been so many suicides in my family. The affects it has on the survivors is horrendous ……they all
    blame themselves. I will not do that to my family of my friends.I pray for each & everyone of you that you will not choose that route. God has a plan for everyone ….. including us. Keep believing & keep the faith. I love each & everyone who is going through this. We will get out of our black hole & we will see light again!!!!!

    a
    or friends. I pray that you or anyone else will choose that way out. God has a plan for everyone ……including us. We must keep going for ourselves,


  6. OMGosh!!!!! I meant to say that I hope you or anyone DOESN’T choose that way out. You can also email me at mpmitchell1954@yahoo.com. We can do this. We can get out of this dark hole together & with everyone else who is in this dark hole with us!!!!!


  7. I fully understand your feelings. I have had treatment resistant depression for 6 yrs now. I’ve gone from an independent hard working and adventurous spirit to No spirit. Life is meaningless, I think about being dead every day. I only stay for others, not to upset them. But now my carer – my mother has turned against me. I finally tried dexamphetamine after researching last resorts. It literally saved my life (well for about 4 hrs at a time) heaps better than 20/24 hrs in bed comfort eating and hiding from the world.
    It was magic, suddenly I started cleaning, shopping, actually doing things around the house.
    She said I was annoying and that I talked too much and would tell me to stop cleaning up and shut up! She had her own financial stresses etc. so I thought a clean house would be welcome. Then she would get angry at me if I asked what was going on? If I started
    to cry she would get even angrier! So I had to cry out of sight.
    She had gone from 5 yrs as the most wonderful carer to the most unsympathetic person I have seen. (Her having depression was ruled out). I really don’t understand this and have reconsidered suicide everyday.
    Even if talking and being too active is a side effect of drug that makes me feel like living again, surely it is better than someone miserable, crying, getting fat and hiding in bed all day?!
    I am baffled! We had a mediation session with the psychiatrist that got no where. I am stuck on a disability pension and can not afford physically or mentally to leave. Instead avoidance is my only option.
    Pretty much nocturnal now!
    I feel like killing myself and have made plans etc but it seems stupid to commit suicide now that I am finally getting a life!
    I would love to hear anyone’s thoughts on this situation!



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