300 Miles in Five Days: Fighting Fifty Part II

I didn’t sleep much the night before the big ride. For some reason, I was nervous and anxious. Would I be able to ride high mileage for several days in a row? Had I trained enough? Would I make it? And yet, I was also excited. I was about to embark on a new adventure.

After dressing in my riding clothes early the morning of our departure, I checked my panniers and double-checked them, making sure I had packed enough energy gel, energy bars and snacks for munching on the road. I loaded my bicycle with lightly packed panniers onto the bike rack of the car and woke my wife to drive me across town to the Starbucks where we were to meet my riding companion. Our plan was to start our ride from a Starbucks midway between our homes. It was 6:00 a.m. We would be on the road in an hour.

I had mapped our trip via google maps which offers a bicycle route feature. The first day we would ride from La Quinta, CA to Brawley, CA, approximately 85 miles of mostly flat terrain, with some very slight climbs. I had never ridden this far and hoped I would finish without being completely spent. I clipped a 3×5 index card to my handle bar bag that had our route, turn by turn.

After coffee, a high carb breakfast and hugs goodbye, we set off from Starbucks with two friends in tow who rode the first few miles with us. The first part of our journey was on side streets with low traffic. We travelled through neighborhoods I hadn’t visited before and entered the rural area flush with date farms. I felt strong.  We conversed about all sorts of things as we rode. So far so good.

My brother-in-law served as SAG support. He would drive the route and stop periodically to provide us with water, snacks and the like and to encourage us on. Every ten miles or so we would see him by the side of the rode and stop for a few minutes, refilling water bottles if necessary, making adjustments to our bikes as needed and stretching our legs.

My sister-in-law (who is 66 years young) planned to only ride part of each day, as much as her energy and stamina permitted. She would start each morning with me, stop when tired and possibly resume riding the latter part of the day.

After about 20 – 25 miles, my sister-in-law decided to take a break and joined her husband in the SAG vehicle. I was now on my own. As the miles ridden mounted up, my energy started to lag. And now I was on the part of our route that included some long, slight inclines. A 2% grade doesn’t sound like much, but on a heavy touring bike with loaded panniers, it feels steep and never ending. By the time I broke for lunch, I was only about half-way to Brawley. And I was low on energy. I needed to stretch my legs and re-fuel.

The last 15-20 miles were very challenging. My sister-in-law rejoined me and we rode triumphantly into Brawley, arriving about 2:30 p.m. We checked into the local Best Western, enjoyed hot showers and took short naps. That night we went to dinner at a local Italian restaurant to carbo load for the next day, a day I knew would be hell on two wheels. (If you are ever tempted to eat at an Italian restaurant owned, run by, and completely staffed with asian people, go to a different restaurant!)

In planning this trip, I knew that the second day would be the hardest day of the ride. We would be travelling from Brawley to the Yuma, AZ area on back roads that took us through some very hilly terrain through Glamis, a recreational haven for ATV’s, rails, dune buggies and off road motorcycles. The ride traversed rolling hills with some very steep inclines and some long gradual inclines. The surrounding landscape was comprised of mostly desert terrain, no large trees, no shade and a lot of sand dunes. So in addition to challenging terrain, it would be hot.

I knew the day would be tough when I didn’t sleep well the night before and when I had low energy at the start of the ride. My speed was 3 miles per hour slower than the day before. Maybe this was normal for a second day and after riding 85 miles. I pushed myself to pedal on. After about 20 miles, my sister-in-law once again took her mid-day break and converted from riding companion to SAG support. I was on my own for the most difficult part of the ride, rolling hills that seemed never to end and felt to my legs like the Swiss Alps.  If I thought the first day was hard, it was a piece of cake compared to this second day. I was tired, I was hot, and I was in pain. I pedaled on, albeit slowly. Again, my riding companion joined me for the last 15-20 miles. The second day’s total was over 65 miles. I had made it.

Once arriving at the hotel, ice on my tired and sore legs was the first order of business. I tried to take a cold ice bath but couldn’t tolerate the cold on my feet. After icing my legs, I slathered arnica on my sore muscles and Desitin on my chaffed rear end. My sore behind made the aching legs feel like nothing. I was happy I survived day two.

We ate another carbo rich dinner at Olive Garden and splurged on Cold Stone for dessert. I had burned over 4,000 calories each day so had no guilt about this indulgence. Day two was now in the record book.

I slept like a rock that night and awoke the next morning feeling great. Yes, my legs were sore, but it was a good soreness. We drove the car outside of Yuma and unloaded our bikes at the first rest stop. We had a light tail wind that would help push us on. Today was our first day riding on the shoulder of the interstate – I-8. I was a little nervous about this but it was the only viable route for day three. We had decided not to ride the entire way to Gila Bend as it was around 120 miles. So, the plan was to ride at least 60 miles.

Day three was incredible! I felt great all day. My speed was excellent and my legs felt good. Even my rear end was somewhat better. I had plenty of energy. I felt so good at 60 miles that I decided to ride on. Total for day three, 75 miles! Reward – a chocolate dipped cone at Dairy Queen in Gila Bend, AZ.

Because lodging options were so slim in Gila Bend, we drove on to Maricopa, AZ outside of Phoenix and stayed at the Ak-Chin Harrah’s Casino resort. My room was incredible! My sleep was not. My legs ached all night and made it hard for me to sleep. Ice didn’t help, arnica didn’t help, even ibufpropen didn’t help. The fourth day was to be a fairly short mileage day. I was going to spend the night at my sisters in San Tan Valley, on the south side of Phoenix. 50 miles and I could rest. At about 20 miles into the ride, it was time for my sister and brother-in-law to leave me and return to Palm Springs. Previous commitments precluded them from completing the trip. I was in civilization at this point and had no qualms about riding the rest of the way alone. In fact, one of the things I like about riding is being alone with my thoughts. Riding is meditative to me. It renews my spirit.

The night before I added about 15-25 pounds to my panniers. Since I would finish the ride on my own without SAG support, I had to pack all my personal belongings that I would need for the next several days in my panniers. I was fully loaded down. It is unbelievable how this extra weight dramatically increased the effort it took to ride. Although I only rode 50 miles on day four, it felt like 100. One of my mistakes, not having enough coffee that morning! I arrived at my sisters simply exhausted. After showering I laid on the couch to take a nap until everyone got home. Despite my throbbing legs and sore hindquarters, I managed to sleep. One more day to go.

I woke early for the final day of my journey. My sister assured me that there was a Starbucks only about 4-5 miles from her house so my plan was to fuel up there, coffee and breakfast. I could make it 4-5 miles. Unfortunately, she was wrong. It was nearly 8 miles to Starbucks. Under normal circumstances, that wouldn’t have been a problem. But on a touring bike, with fully loaded panniers, after having already ridden about 270 miles, it is a long, long way to ride.

But make it I eventually did. I think that was the best iced coffee I have ever had. I also had an Egg McMuffin (minus the meat) at McDonalds and a blueberry scone. I needed fuel.

The plan was for my mom to meet me outside of Florence, AZ to provide SAG support. I would ride as much and as far as I could on this last day. Unbeknownst to me, the ride from Florence, AZ to Tucson was a long steady incline that eventually turned into rolling hills. And I do mean long. It might not have been steep but it was an incline and a very long one with little breaks in the climbing. Without a load, it probably would have felt like nothing. But hauling all that weight, plus my body weight up the long incline was draining.

After much internal struggle, I decided to stop after my total mileage for the trip reached 300 miles. My legs were aching and my knee began to hurt. Although part of me felt like that would be giving up, another part of me knew that riding a bicycle 300 miles in five days was an accomplishment that few have achieved. I finally made peace with the voice inside me that kept saying “You are a failure if you quit.” Riding 300 miles on a bike is not failing. I was content.

When I reached the 300 mile mark, I dismounted and loaded my bike and belongings into the truck my mother was driving. I had made it. I had just spent the last 5 days riding through the desert on a bicycle. How many people can say they have done that?

Some have asked me if I would do a long bicycle ride again. I can honestly say yes. Yes, I would. This was a great experience for me. I saw incredible scenery and a part of the country I have driven through on numerous occasions in a new way. I challenged myself physically and succeeded. I tested my resolve and commitment. And I connected with my spirit and soul.

Maybe, just maybe, turning fifty isn’t that bad.

Fighting Fifty

I am turning 50 in a few short weeks. That number, 50, seems so huge to me. I don’t feel 50 and I certainly don’t want to be 50. But the reality is that I can’t prevent this birthday from coming. I didn’t have any trouble turning 30 or even 40. But the prospect of being 50 has really thrown me for a loop.

For most of this year, my 50^th year, I have been rebelling against crossing the threshold into my 50’s. About 7 months ago I came up with a plan to prove to myself that 50 isn’t old, that I am still young enough to accomplish physical feats of endurance.  I also decided to make additional changes to my diet. I might not be able to prevent growing older, but I can live in a way that allows me to live better and to be healthier.

I gave up all red meat 4 years ago, becoming a semi-vegetarian, and only eating limited amounts of fish and chicken. Earlier this year, as part of my anti-aging campaign, I decided to give up all animal products, including eggs and dairy. I also added more grains to my diet. The transition to a vegan diet wasn’t as hard as I had imagined. I enjoy cooking and found many great vegan recipes to experiment with. Now and again I do indulge in some dairy, particularly by adding non-fat milk with a splash of half-and-half to my coffee. But because I have hypothyroidism I can’t eat or drink large amounts of soy. I can honestly say I don’t miss meat.

Some may scoff at these dietary changes but the impact on my health has been quite remarkable. I have more energy, sleep better, and generally feel better. My skin and hair are softer. And I have not gotten a cold or the flu since changing my diet.

In addition to these dietary changes, I came up with a plan to accomplish something big athletically. Initially, I thought climbing a mountain would be quite an accomplishment as well as a physical challenge. I can’t afford to climb Mount Everest (and don’t have any serious climbing experience that would make this a realistic option) and couldn’t convince any of my friends to join me on a trek to base camp or on a guided climb to the summit of Mount Rainier.  So, I came up with a plan to ride my bicycle from Palm Springs, California to Tucson, Arizona. Yes, I did say a bicycle! And I knew just the person to join me on this adventure – my sister-in-law.

I had no trouble convincing my sister-in-law to ride 300 plus miles on a bicycle. After all, she has been an avid cyclist for at least a decade if not more. At 66, she is in great shape, rides 3 times a week and takes very good care of herself. I broached the subject with an email “Do you have any interest in a long bike trip, say a ride from Palm Springs to Tucson?” She responded enthusiastically to my invitation. “Definitely!” And so, I had a companion for my adventure. Serious training needed to be undertaken.

This past spring we talked about our training needs. Our goal; work up to riding about 200 miles a week. No easy task. If you ride between 12-15 miles per hour, that meant training 13-17 hours per week on the bike. And given that we would ride close to 90 miles on some days on our trip, we needed to build in several very long training rides.

Some of you might be thinking, “hey, no problem, it’s just riding a bike.” Oh, if it were only that simple.  Although riding a bike is a non-weight bearing activity, it requires a lot of leg strength and endurance. Not to mention the discomfort of your hindquarters from sitting on a bike saddle for long stretches of time. I slowly built my training distance and in a few months was regularly riding 30-40 miles per ride. Eventually, I added a long 50-mile ride to my weekly training. In the weeks immediately preceding our trek, I did a long, grueling 70-mile ride over hilly terrain. That was the most challenging and exhausting physical activity I had done up to that point in my life. I was drained from this ride, both physically and mentally. But I made it! I was wiped out the next day and my derriere was chaffed and sore. I began to doubt my ability to complete this trip. Would I make it? Could I really ride 80+ miles in one day and still have energy to ride the next day? I began to doubt myself. And to question the wisdom of embarking on such an adventure.

The week before the trip, my anxiety surged. I was nervous and anxious about stringing together back-to-back high mileage rides several days in a row. How was I going to do this? Would I make it?

To be continued. . .

Morning Coffee

This morning, like so many mornings, began with a trek to Starbucks. I am feeling a little under the weather, either fighting off a cold or battling allergies that flame up each year when golf courses and resorts re-seed their vast expanses of grass.  I just wanted to sit with a cup of coffee and slowly enter the day.

After getting my venti iced coffee and oatmeal, I went out to the patio at Starbucks to sit for a while and relax in the cool morning air. No sooner did I approach a seat I had been scoping out while I had waited in line to order when I smelled that familiar, yet sickening smell, of burning tobacco.  Off in the corner of the patio sat a man puffing away on a cigarette, oblivious to the world and the people around him.

Now I am all for individual rights and respect the right someone has to choose to engage in a vice that may eventually kill them. But I personally prefer not to be exposed to smoke. Quite some time ago, Starbucks took the proactive step of making all their establishments, including the outside patio areas, smoke free environments.  It really was unpleasant to sit outside with a cup of coffee and pastry only to be exposed to smoke filled air. I applaud Starbucks for its efforts.

As I neared my seat I looked over at the man and said to him, “Excuse me sir, but you can’t smoke here.” He looked at me, shrugged, and began pantomiming something. Again I said, “There is no smoking on this patio.” The man pointed at several empty tables and using his cigarette free hand counted to five and mimed that people had been smoking at those tables. At least I think that is what he was trying to communicate. I pointed to the sign near the door that said smoking was prohibited and simply said “No smoking.” The people sitting nearby looked up, “Thank you for speaking up.” “We totally support you.” But no one, other than me, said anything to the man. And still he sat, puffing away and flicking ashes to the ground.

I felt a little bad saying anything at all because the man was obviously homeless. He was filthy, his pants had holes in them and black grime, like the suburban housewives French tip manicure, tipped his fingernails. A small-wheeled suitcase sat on the table near the seat he occupied. He did not speak at all, just mimed to communicate.

The other occupants of the patio starred at him and several people began pointing to the sign near the door that read “Starbucks is a smoke-free environment.” An older couple stood near him and began to shuffle away, looking over their shoulder at him as he mimed to the rest of us.

The man shrugged his shoulders, stood, retrieved his suitcase and departed the patio. Several people spoke to me. “Thank you so much for having the courage to say something to him.” “You just made our day.” “I am so glad you said something.”

I found these comments somewhat strange. I didn’t feel courageous for speaking up. I spoke up simply because I wanted to enjoy my coffee without breathing in smoke.  My speaking up was a selfish act. I am surprised that the others on the patio were unwilling to say anything, especially when this man’s smoking clearly bothered them. I didn’t and still don’t know what to make of all of this.

My heart goes out to the homeless. So many of these folks need a break.  They need human kindness and compassion. I don’t know whether or not I did the right thing by saying something to this man. Perhaps I should have let him enjoy his morning and his cigarette. Maybe I should have offered to buy him a cup of coffee. I just don’t know.

What do you think?

Ohhh, Canada!

I recently ventured to the province of Alberta in Canada for a long awaited vacation. We flew into Calgary last Wednesday and made the short drive to Canmore where we are staying in a condo – Worldmark by Wyndham. Really, it is a time share formerly owned by my parents which they graciously offered to let us use.  Our accommodations are comfortable, 2 bedrooms, each with a private bath, a living room, dining area and small kitchen. The condo is a short distance from town and hiking trails abound. Canmore has made for the perfect home base from which to explore this incredible area.

Because of the weather, we didn’t realize until we awoke our first morning that Canmore is surrounded by majestic mountains.  I was speechless the first time I saw them.  Having grown up in Colorado and after spending numerous years in Wyoming exploring the Tetons and Yellowstone, I am no stranger to mountains.  But the stunning peaks and expansive wilderness I have experienced in this part of Canada far surpasses the beauty of all others I have had the pleasure of enjoying.

On one of our first adventures we travelled to Banff and Lake Louise. A short distance from Lake Louise is Lake Morraine which is even more beautiful than her famous sister. In Banff, we treated ourselves to Canada’s Best Ice Cream at Cows. If you ever get to Banff, don’t miss a stop at this ice cream parlor! Our tasty treats lived up to the advertising. It was so good, we visited this eatery twice.

During our week in Alberta we explored Banff National Park, the Kananaskis area and have had numerous wildlife sightings including a big Bull Moose, several deer, elk and even a coyote who passed within 3 feet of our car on a lonely dirt road in the Kananaskis.  Today we saw a group of young white tail deer frolicking in a meadow covered with snow. They were chasing each other and romping around with tails in the air. Their tails even appeared to be wagging!

We rode the Banff Gondola on Sulphur Mountain and trekked at the top where we feasted our eyes on mountains in every direction. From this vantage point we gazed down on several lakes and the meandering of the Bow River from Banff to Lake Louise. The views were simply magnificent.

There have been some unexpected and surprising observations on this trip.  The first, and most noticeable, is that Canadians don’t seem to have the same addiction to cell phones as Americans. During our week in this beautiful country, we have rarely seen a person on a cell phone. Folks walk down the street and have conversations with each other. At local coffee houses, people read or enjoy the company of their companions. It was refreshing to dine without hearing cell phones ring at nearby tables or to shop in the local grocery store without overhearing a fellow shopper’s cell phone conversation.  Over the course of one week, we saw  only one person using a Blackberry.

Canada is significantly more expensive than the U.S. Gas is $4 dollars a gallon and a single scoop ice cream cone $4.50.  Beverages at Starbucks are on the average 75 cents to a dollar higher than my local Starbucks in California. The same with pastries and oatmeal. Food at restaurants, particularly lunch, seemed pretty pricey.

The local people we encountered were extremely friendly, offering suggestions of activities or café’s, the best roads to travel for the best viewing of wildlife or the local majestic peaks.

This has been an amazing vacation filled with incredible scenery, wonderful adventures, great company and stimulating conversations. I definitely plan to come back and enjoy all the activities the weather did not allow us to partake in such as mountain biking, more strenuous hiking, fishing and canoeing.

And of course, another visit to Cows!

The Road To Recovery From Burnout

About a year-and-a-half to two years ago, burnout took over my life. Like a parasite, it attached itself to me and fed on my energy, my happiness and creativity. It infested and destroyed a part of my soul. I was depressed, couldn’t sleep, and just didn’t care much about anything or anyone. Getting out of bed was hard, and staying out of bed was even harder.

A lot of people confuse burnout with stress but the two are radically different. Stress is having too many pressures that demand too much of you, both physically and psychologically. Stressed people can still imagine that if they get everything under control, they’ll feel better. And they often do. While burnout may be the result of unrelenting stress, it is a far more serious problem.

Burnout is feeling empty, devoid of motivation, and beyond caring. Burned out people feel helpless and hopeless and that life does not seem worth living, and they experience frequent headaches, back pain and muscle aches.  They also feel tired and drained most of the time and have difficulty sleeping. The primary damage from stress is physical. But the primary damage from burnout is emotional.   Burnout often leads to detachment and depression.

People have a tendency to blame burnout on the individual and their own shortcomings. But years of research proves otherwise. After twenty years of pioneering research on burnout, researchers Christina Maslach and Michael P. Leiter have concluded that “burnout is not a problem of people but mostly of the places in which they work.  When the workplace does not recognize the human side of work or demands superhuman efforts, people feel overloaded, frustrated and well, burned out.”

After nine years of extreme stress, managing huge egos, outrageous hours, more work than was humanly possible to keep up with, not enough help or infrastructure to handle the volume of work and, little support from those in a position of providing it, I hit the wall and simply could not function any longer. I had nothing left to give. I was losing myself. To say the least, I was burned out.  And I was seriously depressed. My doctor had been warning me for at least a year before that something needed to change, that my stress and work environment and their attendant impact on my life was not healthy and was the root cause of some of my health issues, both emotional and physical, including my insomnia. I ignored the warnings and tried to cope. I asked for help but didn’t get any. And eventually, I had to speak up and out and walk away. I chose myself. It was the best, yet incredibly painful decision I have ever made.

It has taken a long time, but I have finally recovered from my burnout. I wish I could say my recovery happened quickly and effortlessly, but that would be a lie. The road to healing has been long and at times painful. With the help of a therapist, my incredible wife, son and some dear and cherished friends, I have processed my experience and found the path out of the black hole in which I was drowning. I have eliminated people from my life who were energy suckers and emotional vampires, who demanded too much and gave little; who were only there because they wanted something from me. I have reassessed friendships and kept only those that are real and genuine, mutual and reciprocal. Rarely do I have a headache and I no longer feel drained and exhausted on a daily basis. I am taking time for myself and setting boundaries. I have rediscovered and reclaimed my soul. I no longer need or rely on sleep medication. I am excited about life and the possibilities before me. My creativity has returned and is flourishing. And for the first time in a long time, I am happy, truly happy.

Don’t let burnout sneak up behind you and abduct your soul. Evaluate your work life and make the necessary changes to avoid burning out. Burnout doesn’t happen overnight. It is a gradual process. Be vigilant and pay attention to the warning signs. Listen to your doctor and your significant other who may see the warning signs long before you do. Learn to set boundaries and manage your stress. Remember what is important in life and make time for those people and things that matter.

I don’t wish burnout on anyone. I hope by sharing my experience I can help you avoid it. If you think you might be burned out, get help now! Don’t wait until it is too late. Life is too short to waste being burned out.

The Inaugural Women’s Trial Boot Camp

Inaugural Class - Women's Trial Boot Camp - May, 2010

Inspiration comes from many sources. This past weekend I was inspired by a group of talented and courageous women who attended the 3 Sisters Women’s Trial Boot Camp in Palm Springs, California. And as I write this, I feel their energy and camaraderie still, as if we were gathered together in the Palm Canyon room at the Hyatt Suites.  Our three days together were both validating and powerful and I will never forget the wonderful women I reconnected with, met for the first time, and with whom I shared three-days in Palm Springs.

This program was a long time in the making and the journey began many months ago, first in late night telephone calls and emails and finally coming to fruition around the dining room table at a rented condo in Breckenridge, Colorado.  In September 2009, a girls’ weekend in the mountains reminded those in attendance of the power of women and our need to nurture, support and encourage each other. As female trial lawyers, we face different challenges than our male counterparts, and often, we lack the self-confidence and support we need to reach our full potential.  Each of us recognized the need for a place where women trial lawyers could come together and work on the issues unique to us, where our voices could be heard and competition didn’t rule the day.  A rough outline for a Women’s Trial Boot Camp was developed, tentative dates were chosen and a location was agreed upon. We left the mountains of Colorado excited by the possibilities and our creativity stimulated.

Over the next several months, we continued brainstorming the program. We drafted our mission statement and refined our ideas. In November 2009, the 3 Sisters, LLP was launched and the program announced. A big question, however, loomed in our minds – Would anyone want to attend a Women’s Trial Boot Camp? To our surprise, we received a response far greater than we ever imagined.

As the opening session approached, anxiety ran high and the 3 Sisters, (myself, Fredilyn Sison and Mary Peckham) spent hours reviewing our plan, revising it to cover skills and topics we felt were important and making sure we had crossed all the T’s and dotted the I’s and that we were ready to meet the expectations and objectives of the women who would be joining us.

On Wednesday night, we finalized our preparations and caught up with each other. Bright and early Thursday morning we went on a long run to dissipate some of the nervous energy we each were feeling. When 6 p.m. rolled around, we drove the few blocks to the Hyatt Suites and set up for the opening session. As the participants began to arrive, the air was filled with excitement and enthusiasm. Women from TX, CA, WA, PA, and NC and even as far as Africa were soon gathered together. Poolside at the Hyatt we socialized during an informal reception with fabulous food, but even better company. The bonding began that night and a community was beginning to form. After some opening group building exercises, we retired for the night.

Friday morning began with an optional yoga session. The yoga teacher, who joined us that morning, and every other morning of the program, was simply incredible. She not only taught to the skill level of the group, she brought a quiet strength and peaceful spirit to the group each morning. What an incredible way to start the day.

After continental breakfast, we set to work. Many important skills were covered and we celebrated our uniqueness as women. The program belonged to the group and was adapted frequently to meet their needs, address their concerns and enhance the learning. It was a mutual give and take between the 3 Sisters and the group. All in attendance were supportive of each other and a willingness to help, nurture and encourage the other attendees was palpable. It was an incredibly positive atmosphere in which all could learn, challenge themselves and grow. The group was comprised of plaintiffs’ lawyers, family law practitioners, and public defenders, from women just admitted to the bar to those who have practiced 20+ years.

After an amazing day Friday, I didn’t think it could get any better. But it did! There was so much creative energy in the room and the new ideas, methods and exercises we shared were enthusiastically embraced. Saturday was even more powerful than Friday.

There were no evening sessions and the wonderful women who attended had the time to bond, get to know each other and spend time together relaxing and socializing.  Groups went to dinner together and formed friendships that will continue beyond the program.

Sunday was our last session, beginning again with yoga. Three days had flown by. I felt so much love, appreciation and validation from my fellow 3 Sisters and from the women who joined us for the weekend. Over our three days together, we had been on a journey and came to the end more self confident, powerful and energized than when we began. It was an amazing experience and I am still feeling the power and energy of the group. I have been inspired by every woman who participated. We have formed a community.  And an amazing community it is! This is just the beginning.

For more information about 3 Sisters programs, please visit http://www.the3sisters.org. Our next program is The Art of Telling Our Clients’ Story – Sept. 30- Oct. 3, 2010 in Palm Springs, California and is open to both male and female trial lawyers who represent people.

Is Civility and Human Kindness Dead?

I wonder what it is that makes some people so mean and cruel? I am not talking about terrorists or some convicted criminals, but every day, ordinary folks who act or speak in hurtful and mean spirited ways. Is there something about human nature that makes people hurt others, spread lies and say mean and ugly things about them? I just don’t get it. I am certainly not a perfect person and have had my moments but I try to live and let live. I strive to be positive and support others. Sure, there are plenty of people that I don’t care for and whom I dislike, but I don’t purposely set out to hurt them.  It is the purposefulness of the hateful behavior that disturbs me.

It is as if civility and human kindness are dying, if they are not already dead. The lack of both is demonstrated daily by politicians, CEO’s of Corporate America, professional athletes and celebrities. So I guess it shouldn’t surprise me when ordinary people follow suit. There seems to be a need in some folks to bring others down and destroy them for personal gain. And when you are the victim of this type of campaign it is hurtful and depressing. I have seen the pain in friends, colleagues and the people I work with. And I have felt it myself. Sadly, there is almost nothing you can do to protect yourself or your reputation. Often, the best you can do is turn the other cheek and refuse to respond in kind.

Maybe the worst part is that some people seem to enjoy hurting others and actively set out to do so. They take joy from their cruel acts and words and laugh about their behavior with their friends. If you aren’t a member of their “club,” “inner circle,” or “organization,” you are seen as an enemy that needs to be destroyed. And if they don’t act and you succeed, the belief is that you will take away from them, or somehow diminish their own success. Isn’t it possible for all of us to succeed and be fulfilled by our individual endeavors? Why must some act to destroy others? What are they afraid of? What would happen if we supported and encouraged each other?

Perhaps we can all grow and become better human beings by reversing roles with and walking in the shoes of those we attack, speak unkindly of and treat inhumanely. Imagine what the world would look like if more of us did this. What have we got to loose?

The Courage to Believe in Ourselves

I have been thinking a great deal about a friend of mine who has been stuck in an abusive relationship for years. No matter how bad it gets, she continues to stay. I have a very hard time understanding this. Why would anyone want to stay in a relationship where they are treated horribly, suffering verbal and emotional abuse regularly? Where they get less than they give?

My friend has no satisfying answers to explain her failure to leave. When we talk about the dysfunction of her relationship and I ask her why she doesn’t leave, the rationale she gives include statements such as “I am afraid,” “I have to stay in this relationship for financial reasons,” “I don’t want to be alone,” “If I keep trying harder, things will get better,” “If I just keep my mouth shut, things will be OK,” and even “This is the best I can do,” “I need this person,” or “I don’t know what I would do if I leave?” All of these reasons make me sad for my friend. She is a kind, caring and wonderful person but has little self esteem. She doesn’t realize how unhealthy and damaging this relationship is to her, both emotionally and psychologically. I have watched this strong, capable women dissolve into self loathing and paralysis. She feels stuck and even trapped. It is obvious to me and to her other friends that the longer she stays in this abusive relationship, the more destruction to her self esteem and self worth. The light of her spirit is fading and she is loosing the joy that once flowed freely from her heart.

I guess it is just human nature to believe what others tell us about ourselves or say about us. Many of us carry such wounds from childhood. If you hear from someone who is supposed to love and care about you that you are worthless, not good enough, or wrong, pretty soon you start to believe these things about yourself. Even when you know what is being said isn’t true. Even when you know the handcuffs being placed upon you by the relationship aren’t deserved and do nothing other than to impede your own self determination and put others in control of your life and your happiness.

When I have let those with whom I am in a relationship bring me down, destroy my self worth and esteem, treat me poorly, verbally or emotionally and psychologically abuse me, I often turn on myself and start adopting as true the messages those people tell me, even when I know deep inside myself that they are wrong. It is both a painful and an incredibly lonely place to find yourself. It is hard to shut out those messages and believe in yourself. I know. I have been there.

It takes tremendous courage to leave a relationship where you are being abused either verbally, emotionally, mentally and/or  psychologically. It may be harder than leaving a physically abusive relationship. After all, psychic wounds aren’t physical and no one can see them. “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” But words often do more damage to us as people than physical injuries. Wounds to our psyche take time and effort to heal. They stay with us and impact all of our future relationships. Unless and until we find the courage to stand up for ourselves and believe we are deserving of better.

Our fears often immobilize us, keeping us trapped from growing and believing in ourselves. They keep us enmeshed with our abusers. They convince us we don’t deserve better and prevent us from defending ourselves, and often, from leaving.

When I have been in this situation, I have found that it helps  to look at my own issues and explore why I don’t feel I deserve better treatment. I ask myself, what in me propels me to tolerate such an unhealthy relationship? I talk to my friends. I have even spent time in therapy working on myself, my self esteem and self worth, exploring the issues that brought me to this place. And once I left the abusive relationship, I worked hard to build and nurture the relationships I have with people who value and appreciate me.

To my friend who is struggling, I am here for you. To listen, to lend a shoulder and to tell you how much you mean to me and how deserving you are of a healthy relationship where you are valued, appreciated and loved. All human beings are so deserving. Life is too short to waste energy on and with people who verbally, emotionally or psychologically abuse us, use us to make themselves feel better, stronger or more powerful, or who make us feel worthless and bad about ourselves.

I hope my friend finds the courage to believe in herself as much as I believe in her.

Open Forum

Instead of posting my thoughts, ideas and opinions this month, I open my blog to your ideas, comments and opinions on any topic of your choosing. I would like to hear from you about what is on your mind. I look forward to reading your posts!

More Musings on Friendship

I have written before on the topic of friendship and the meaning, to me, of what it means to be a “true friend.” I find myself returning to this topic time and time again because it is something that often occupies my mind; especially when there is a break in a relationship with a person whom I believed was my friend but who, for expediency or to preserve their relationships with people in positions of power, ceased communication, abandoned me and at times, have acted hostile or even hateful toward me. No matter the reason, the ending of a relationship with someone you believed was your friend, is painful; more so when no reason or explanation has been offered, leaving you to guess and speculate.

From my perspective, I don’t understand how friendship can be so easily abandoned and tossed aside. Why claim to be someone’s friend if you are not, or if you are willing to end the friendship to advance your own interests or because some other friend expects or demands that you cease your relationship with another friend? Didn’t we leave that type of behavior behind in junior high school? I can hear the 7^th grader demanding:  “You can’t be friends with so and so because I don’t like them anymore!”  Or “I won’t play with you anymore if you are friends with so and so.”  Or  “You can’t be in my club because you are friends with X.” Sadly, some people I know willingly play these games and easily throw good people aside, people to whom they professed friendship, simply because these good people have relationships with folks their purported “friend” doesn’t like, is upset with or struggling to understand. I find this behavior immature, petty and plain old mean spirited. It is certainly not the behavior of a “true friend” or that of a good person.

I don’t take my friendships lightly and don’t profess to be someone’s friend unless I am willing to do my part to maintain the relationship and to be honest and open with them. I may not always succeed, but this is my intent. And sometimes being open and honest with a friend can be painful. But it is real and genuine. I want my friends to be who they are, fully and completely. I don’t expect us to like the same people or to have the exact same circle of friends. That doesn’t mean that there can’t be disagreements amongst friends or that we share identical opinions on all topics.  But when we do disagree, we do so with honesty and integrity and most importantly, respect.  We allow each other to view the world through our individual lenses and are free to share and discuss our respective points of view. We value and respect each other’s individuality, unique gifts and talents. To me, these are some of the great gifts that flow from true friendship.  I want friends with whom I can be my most authentic and true self. True friendship is to be treasured and valued. It enhances us an individuals and enriches our lives.  At least it has mine.

My experiences over the last many months have made me realize that for many people the term “friend” is really just a synonym for the term “acquaintance;” that  the words “I am your friend” are used frequently because friendship is socially valued and makes the person using the words feel good about themselves and elevates them in the eyes of their peers. After all, being a “good person” means having a lot of friends.  Doesn’t it?

But for my taste, many people throw the word “friend” around too easily. Perhaps they do so to impress others, because it suits them in the moment, or because they think saying they are a friend will get them something. This realization is both painful and discouraging. Maybe I am just operating from a different playbook.  Or maybe I am just naïve about friendship.

The good news, for me at least, is that I am blessed with some wonderful “true friends” who are honest and have integrity. Who do more than talk the talk; for whom the words “I am your friend” truly mean something, both in thought and deed. True friendship does not know distance or time. And so, to my “true friends,” thank you. You are amazing and wonderful people and I am blessed to have you in my life. And to those of you who have claimed to be my friend but your words were hollow or borne out of self –interest, thanks, but no thanks. I only have room in my life for true friends.