Reclaiming Myself

Today I am rededicating myself to health, both emotional and physical. Since January, I have struggled, among many things, with my motivation to exercise and eat right. Depression, grieving of significant losses and plain old burn out and exhaustion forced me to put my physical health on hold. For the last several months I simply haven’t had the physical or emotional energy to lace up my shoes and hit the road. For months, depression ate away at my very soul. I lost a part of who I was. Having a tendency to gravitate towards emotional eating when I am struggling emotionally, I have eaten too much junk food. I have forgotten my healthy habits. But today, I declare war on idleness, ice cream and other junk food. Today, I am reclaiming that part of myself that has been missing for many, many months.

Since April, my nearly daily exercise routine decreased dramatically, first to a couple of times a week down to weeks on end with no activity. I would go to bed each night vowing to go out first thing in the morning for a run. Morning would arrive and I just couldn’t mobilize myself to put on my running clothes, lace up my shoes and head out the door.  And then summer in the desert arrived with its crushing heat. Only a fool runs outdoors when it is 100+ degrees. And I hate treadmills. July, August and September pass with little physical activity on my part. The heat makes running out of the question. I go on the occasional bike ride but just can’t manage to string several days of exercise together.

During these hot, sweltering months, I let my diet go and eat a lot more comfort food. Yes, I am guilty of emotional eating. Yes, I love blueberry pancakes, ice cream and dark, rich chocolate. Like most of us, I tell myself, “Oh, a little ice cream never hurt anyone.” Or “I am not going to deprive myself of things I like.” And the best, “I will watch what I eat tomorrow.” And tomorrow becomes tomorrow which becomes yet another tomorrow, finally leading us to today. Several months have passed in the blink of an eye.

Last night I complained to my wife that I have put on a few pounds. Nothing disastrous, but enough for me to notice and feel the difference. She listens patiently as she always does then gently asks, “What are you going to do about it?” Such a simple question, but really a reminder that I am the ONLY one who can do anything to alter this new pattern and stave off the accumulation of additional pounds.  Before bed I once again, as I have so often in the past, vow to renew my exercise plan and change my diet. But this time these are not empty promises. And so this morning, after my breakfast of a protein shake, I put on my running clothes, dust off my running shoes and head out for a run. I am slow and the minutes painfully add up. 25 minutes later I am finished. Breathing hard, sweat soaked, but proud. I realize how great running is for clearing my head and stimulating my creativity. I have missed my old friend. For the last several years’ exercise has been my salvation and a gift I give to myself. Perhaps the greatest insight I had on my morning run was the voice inside me shouting, “she’s back!” Since at least January, I have felt like a piece of myself was missing. In the dark days of depression I lost hope, optimism and had no energy. But this morning, with my heart pounding and the sweat pouring down my face, I reclaimed that missing piece. I am indeed back!

Words of Wisdom From One So Young

I have been blessed with an incredible son who is not only talented, but wise beyond his years. For mother’s day he gave me a card in which he wrote a message that both soothed my pain and gave advice. The strange thing is, he had no idea at the time that I was struggling with one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make. His words gave me courage. I share them with you below.

“Sometimes the weight of all our stresses and obligations can feel like an unmanageable burden, in turn clouding our focus and shifting our sights from the things that really matter in life. Careers are fleeting, and money comes and goes. Don’t forget that your greatest impact on the world around you comes not from professional success, but from your relationships with the people who love you, be they friends or family, blood or not. You taught me that happiness flows from the giving of yourself to others rather than from ambition, and that surrendering your mind to worry over things that are beyond your control cannot be sustained for long.

We all have days where the road ahead seems to stretch out much too far, and we want nothing more than to give up. Just please remember that TLC is NOT your life. I am. Carole is. Your family and friends are. Your life is the people that you care about and the things that make you feel passion. We are all here to help shoulder your burdens and lift you up when you fall. I wish that you could see the overwhelming success in your own life that I see, and the vast amount of love and respect that so many others have for you. If there’s one thing you should never feel, it’s alone, as there are many places to turn for encouragement, to vent, or simply for a shoulder to cry on.

When you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, simply remind yourself that you are very much loved and appreciated, and that the wealth of spirit, friendship, and positive will that you possess can neither be surpassed nor diminished by anybody or anything that work can throw at you. I love you Mom, and I’m always here for you.”

Reformation?

If you have been reading my blog, you know that my personal journey over the last year has been both tumultuous and eye opening. Over the last twelve months I have felt both tremendous pain and great joy. I have experienced the depths of despair and at times, lost faith in my fellow man. My confidences have been breached and those who claimed they were friends abandoned me. I guess this is just part of living.

But today, my heart is hurting for some people I hold dear. Over the last nine years I have been fortunate enough to work with some incredibly talented, generous, loving and selfless people who constantly give of themselves, share their incredible talents and skills while seeking nothing in return.  Fredilyn Sison, Carl Bettinger, Lynne Bratcher and Katlin Larimer have enriched the lives of many people, mine included, in innumerous ways and I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to each of them. Their gifts have been freely given and the time and energy devoted to helping others have been immense.

Sadly, the old adage that no good deed goes unpunished is being put into action by the new president of TLC. Punishment for the failure to swear allegiance to or accede to the opinions/demands/ideas or vision of those at the top is coming in the form of a swift kick out the door.  Make no mistake; there is nothing voluntary in the departures of Fredi, Carl, Lynne and Katlin from the TLC Board of Directors. No amount of spin or propaganda can change the facts.  And to make matters worse, Fredi, Carl and Katlin were asked for their resignations on the eve of the Advanced Workshop. Because they are professionals and deeply ethical, they continued to give their all to the students, with no word about their betrayal by people who claimed to be their friends.

Today is indeed a sad day for TLC, for the alumni and future students. To all of you who have been rejected and set aside, you may be being forced out; with little more than a cursory thank you and insincere word of appreciation, but those whose lives you have touched will not forget you. Take comfort in the words of Gerry Spence, shared in his blog posting “The Great Gift of Rejection.“ www.gerryspence.wordpress.com. According to Gerry Spence, rejection is a gift. “By having been rejected by those who I wanted to take me I have, involuntarily remained free, which has been the greatest gift of all.  Those who rejected me knew best.  I owe them great thanks. . . .”

Accordingly, embrace the gift of rejection that Jude Basile and TLC have given you. You are now free. You don’t need a college or a ranch to make an impact on people or a difference in their lives. There are plenty of places to share your gifts. Don’t let those foolish enough to set you aside minimize your self worth and the contributions you have made to the lives of many. Remember, life is short. Perhaps it is time to take back control of your life, recognize who your true friends are, and spend your time, energy and talent on people who and organizations that value both you and your gifts.

Are You a True Friend?

I have been thinking a great deal about what it means to be a friend. I have written on this topic before in my post “Darling, I Am Here For You.” Luckily for me, I have some incredible friends who embody this saying and have been there for me over the last several months during a time of great challenge and transition. I have cried with these friends and laughed, and they have held, supported, encouraged and nurtured me through my pain and sadness. They have also celebrated my great joys. For my part, I have, I hope, been there for them as well. While this saying, or more aptly stated practice, is incredibly important to me, I have realized in the last few weeks that friendship is about so much more than this simple principle alone.

In the last several months, I have discovered, much to my dismay, that for some people friendship is a matter of convenience or is based on what I can do for them. The word friend easily rolls off their tongues and while they talk a good game, the meaning of true friendship is a concept they are unfamiliar with.  Sadly, some of these proclaimed friends have turned their backs on me when I was down and had no qualms about dumping me when they felt it was beneficial for them to do so. Before the last few months, I simply couldn’t fathom that some of those people who called me friend, professed to love and care about me, would quickly abandon me when others, with more power or greater influence beckoned them. Apparently, for these people, advancement of personal interests is higher in priority than friendship.

This realization has been quite painful for me and causes me to question my own judgment in trusting some of these people. Over the years, I have trusted and bared my soul in psychodrama to many of these folks.  Much to my surprise, some have had no difficulty revealing to others what I shared in confidence.  Some have gone so far as to use information gained in a psychodrama about my childhood experiences against me. Perhaps I was naïve, but this simply shocks me. How can anyone trust the psychodramatic process if those who participate are willing to and will breach confidence when it suits them to do so or when it gives them an advantage?

Don’t get me wrong; I am a firm believer in psychodrama. I don’t, however, think it is a panacea or the solution to all a person’s problems. But it is a method that can help people understand themselves and grow as a person. This is valuable and worthwhile. But it does not nor can it answer or solve all problems nor eliminate or erase the bad things that have happened to us. It can, however, give us clarity and insight and help us change for the better.  At least it has done this for me and continues to do so.

Psychodrama is a process through which I have greatly benefitted in terms of my knowledge about myself, who I am and why I am the way I am. I have grown immensely as a result of my own personal work. I have also benefitted from my personal therapy off the psychodrama stage. The combination of both have given me strength and empowered me to stand up for myself and take control of my life.  I know my therapist will not, and legally cannot, reveal my confidences. Just as a lawyer must guard and protect a client’s confidence (with limited exceptions), so must a therapist.

Despite the agreement of the participants in a psychodrama to hold in strict confidence the innermost thoughts and feelings of the protagonist, I have come to learn that too many people (including many lawyers) are willing to share confidences with those who were not part of the group.  The hurt that results from such breach is especially painful when it comes at the hands of one who has professed to be my friend. And perhaps more so when someone I admire, respect and look up to and who has repeatedly told me that they loved me and would “be there for me” has violated my confidence. Even worse is when these people, who advocate and teach role reversal  for greater understanding of others, have flat out refused to reverse roles with me when asked and instead have responded “I am not going to play those silly games.” Silly games?

I believe that a true friend seeks to understand, cares for and about me and will guard and protect my confidences as if they are their own. It has been a shock to me to learn that there are people who will take things I have disclosed in confidence, either in a psychodrama or a private and deeply personal conversation and reveal such information to others. I simply do not understand the ease with which my requests for confidence have been ignored. I hesitate to say the revelations were made maliciously or to hurt me, but I can’t reconcile why someone with whom I have shared deep, innermost thoughts and feelings would share those with others, especially with people who are not my friends or who have purposefully set out to hurt me.

I have also come to value the honest feedback of those friends who have been and are there for me. I know their comments come from the heart and are made with love and caring and not out of spite or with an agenda. It isn’t always easy to hear difficult things from your friends but it has been my experience that the truth from a loving friend enhances the friendship and helps me see things about myself that I may not have been able to see on my own. I appreciate people with whom I can be myself, even when we disagree. What would be the value of a friendship with someone who shares all of my opinions, sees all things through my paradigm or who agrees with every idea or thought I have? The sharing of ideas and open debate with those close to me are gifts I treasure and stimulates my creativity.

I am certainly not a perfect friend. I can be opinionated, short and at times angry. I can also be impatient. I have no doubt I have hurt people out of ignorance or anger. But I strive to be there for those close to me and keep to myself the confidences that have been shared.  I also try to apologize when I inflict pain. I imagine at some times I am more successful than at others.

Maybe in life we only earn a few close friends who we can trust both implicitly and explicitly, and who will truly be there for us in our time of need. I am grateful that I have a few such people in my life. They bring me great joy and hope. And to those who have discarded me and my friendship because it no longers meets your needs, I hope you find what you are looking for and that you will be blessed, as I have been, with a few true friends.

Darling, I am Here For You

In our darkest times, we often turn to our friends to help us get through the challenges life throws at us. I know this has been true for me over the last few years and particularly true over the last several months.

If you have been reading my blog, you know I have engaged in many struggles during the last year. I got married in October to the love of my life without my sisters attending or participating in that joyous, and for me, momentous event. I became deeply depressed due to chronic burn out and work related stress. I decided to leave my job; a job I have given all of my self to, heart and soul, for over nine years. Each of these events posed incredible challenges to me, challenges which I am not sure I could have overcome without the love, support and understanding of some incredible friends.

By friends I do not mean acquaintances, or people you simply know through membership in similar groups or organizations. I mean people who know who I am, deeply and personally, who have heard the pain of my soul and stood by me when it was difficult to do so. For most of us, such true friends are few and far between. I can count mine on one hand.

Thich Nhat Hahn (a Buddhist monk) has a saying: “The greatest gift you can give someone is to say ‘Darling, I am here for you.’” When someone you call friend puts this saying into action and is truly there for you, it is indeed an incredible gift, one with which I have been blessed time and time again.

I owe a deep debt of gratitude to the friends who have listened, held my confidences, cared, supported and loved me more than I feel entitled. Your words of caring and comfort created the beacon that led me through the dark tunnel I found myself in for the last few months. You gave me hope and encouraged me to find my path. And you became my champions, believing in me and lifting me up when I felt I could not go on. I am truly blessed to have you in my life and I so look forward to our continued friendship.

The only way to repay you for all you have given me is to remind you that; “Darling, I am here for you.” I will answer your call when you reach out and will be there for you as you have been for me.

The Wheel

For nine years I have been in the same job. When I first embarked on the adventure of running a non-profit that provides continuing legal education for trial lawyers, I was excited and eager; filled with anticipation of helping lawyers reach their full potential, discover who they are and learn to connect with their clients. In 2000 when this journey began, we offered three regional seminars, one month long program and a one-week training program for our volunteer staff. My predecessor was unorganized. No systems were in place and little structure existed. Essentially, I had to start from scratch to create a functioning organization.

Over the last nine years these five program grew to thirteen. In 2009 we will conduct 14 programs. Our volunteer staff more than doubled and our board of directors increased accordingly. I am away from home approximately 16-18 weeks out of the year. No easy feat. The travel, while grueling in and of itself, is nothing compared to the emotional and physical toll being away from home and my wife takes on me. Not to mention dealing with huge egos, narcissists and 17 bosses, each of who has a different perspective and varying degrees of need.

I often describe the organization as a wheel and my position as the hub. I am the center and each board member a spoke. Other spokes belong to the volunteer staff, the paid consultants, our alumni association board, our alumni, the students we serve, our quarterly publication and the various administrative tasks I am assigned to supervise and oversee. Rarely is equal force applied to the hub by each spoke and rarer still is there an even or smooth rotation of the wheel. More often, the wheel is out of alignment, hobbling along. The spokes present competing and even opposite points of view that are often in conflict with each other. Communication breaks down and emotionality replaces rationality. Some take business decisions personally. Some demand ceaseless attention. Many make demands to feed their own egos. All the conflict and stress pull at me and sap my energy. It is simply impossible to please all of the spokes. How do I choose among them? Sadly, few recognize the toll this takes on me. And I am at a breaking point.

Make no mistake, I love the wheel. It is like a mistress that I jealously defend and protect. I believed in its mission, its goal. I recognize and celebrate the gifts it gives to all those who go on the ride. But I am exhausted. I am tired of answering to so many different people, many of whom criticize, second guess or seek to micro manage the journey. I am the one who pumps the tire every day, who maps out the trip and maintains the wheel. Most of the other spokes come and go as their need, desire or time permits. A program here or there. The occasional meeting when it doesn’t conflict with trial, family vacation or more personally important ventures. Few understand the day-to-day maintenance requirements of the wheel. They second guess decisions without any information, history or big picture view. The demand attention and work to persuade me to join them in their individual points of view that are often diametrically opposed to that of another spoke. When I try to right the wheel and maintain a balance between the competing ideas or opinions, to find common ground that will assist the wheel on its journey, I am accused of disloyalty, conspiracy or worse. Egos get bruised and feelings hurt. The mission of the wheel can be overshadowed by personal interests.

What I find most hurtful is the fact that appreciation from the various spokes comes infrequently and from some, not at all. Many view my job as easy, one they could do in their sleep. Few recognize how much is on my plate or how much emotional energy it takes to keep the wheel moving forward. Fewer still understand how challenging and exhausting it is to manage the strong personalities of the stakeholders involved. And those who are charged with helping me frequently make my job and maintenance of the wheel more difficult. More and more demands are placed on me on a regular basis. When I ask for help, despite promises that it will be given, none is forthcoming. I find my personal life evaporating and the wheel and all its spokes demanding more and more of my attention and energy. The pressure I am under is overwhelming. It often goes unnoticed, even by those spokes who purport to be my friends. Is the wheel worth it?

Right now I don’t have the answer. I just know I am drained. I am on the verge of burn out if not already burned out. One close friend describes my dilemma very graphically “I see you all wrapped in barbed wire. No matter what you do, you get cut.”

A few cuts can be tolerated, even treated. But when the cuts get deeper, occur too often or on a regular basis, they stop healing. It is at that point that infection steps in. Without treatment, death will surely result.

THE DEATH OF CHIMINGA DOMINGUEZ

My dear friend Chiminga Dominguez died recently. She had been despondent and depressed for quite some time. Sadly, most of those who knew her were blind to her pain, even after she spoke up and expressed it several times, both in person and in emails. She reached out to those who said they were her friends; she asked for help; she shared her exhaustion. But few listened. Even fewer heard her soulful cries for help. These so called friends had promised they would help her, only to abandon her when she actually asked. Some even criticized her for asking. That truly broke Chiminga’s heart.

And so, feeling completely helpless, hopeless and abandoned, Chiminga threw herself in front of an Army tank while the people she had come to love and serve watched from the sidelines. As she lay bleeding to death on the hot pavement in the blistering sun, they stood around talking about themselves. No one lifted a finger to save her. No one ran to her side to administer aid. In fact, some simply laughed and said good riddance.

Everyone may not miss Chiminga, but I, for one, will miss her spirit and her soul. She cared more than she should. She gave more than she got with nary a thank you or word of appreciation or gratitude from those from whom she needed it most. In the end, her death is their loss.

May you finally rest in peace my friend.

Unbeliveable

Who would have believed that Iowa and Vermont would join Massachussettes and Connecticut in permitting Gay Marriage before California. I applaud the courage of the legislature in Vermont in passing Gay Marriage and overriding the Governor’s veto and the Supreme Court of Iowa in their recognition that all of us, gay and straight, are entitled to equal protection and to exercise the most basic of fundamental rights – to love the person of our choosing. Now we only need wait and see if the California Supreme Court has the courage to do the right thing and ensure equality for all Americans.