Are You a True Friend?

I have been thinking a great deal about what it means to be a friend. I have written on this topic before in my post “Darling, I Am Here For You.” Luckily for me, I have some incredible friends who embody this saying and have been there for me over the last several months during a time of great challenge and transition. I have cried with these friends and laughed, and they have held, supported, encouraged and nurtured me through my pain and sadness. They have also celebrated my great joys. For my part, I have, I hope, been there for them as well. While this saying, or more aptly stated practice, is incredibly important to me, I have realized in the last few weeks that friendship is about so much more than this simple principle alone.

In the last several months, I have discovered, much to my dismay, that for some people friendship is a matter of convenience or is based on what I can do for them. The word friend easily rolls off their tongues and while they talk a good game, the meaning of true friendship is a concept they are unfamiliar with.  Sadly, some of these proclaimed friends have turned their backs on me when I was down and had no qualms about dumping me when they felt it was beneficial for them to do so. Before the last few months, I simply couldn’t fathom that some of those people who called me friend, professed to love and care about me, would quickly abandon me when others, with more power or greater influence beckoned them. Apparently, for these people, advancement of personal interests is higher in priority than friendship.

This realization has been quite painful for me and causes me to question my own judgment in trusting some of these people. Over the years, I have trusted and bared my soul in psychodrama to many of these folks.  Much to my surprise, some have had no difficulty revealing to others what I shared in confidence.  Some have gone so far as to use information gained in a psychodrama about my childhood experiences against me. Perhaps I was naïve, but this simply shocks me. How can anyone trust the psychodramatic process if those who participate are willing to and will breach confidence when it suits them to do so or when it gives them an advantage?

Don’t get me wrong; I am a firm believer in psychodrama. I don’t, however, think it is a panacea or the solution to all a person’s problems. But it is a method that can help people understand themselves and grow as a person. This is valuable and worthwhile. But it does not nor can it answer or solve all problems nor eliminate or erase the bad things that have happened to us. It can, however, give us clarity and insight and help us change for the better.  At least it has done this for me and continues to do so.

Psychodrama is a process through which I have greatly benefitted in terms of my knowledge about myself, who I am and why I am the way I am. I have grown immensely as a result of my own personal work. I have also benefitted from my personal therapy off the psychodrama stage. The combination of both have given me strength and empowered me to stand up for myself and take control of my life.  I know my therapist will not, and legally cannot, reveal my confidences. Just as a lawyer must guard and protect a client’s confidence (with limited exceptions), so must a therapist.

Despite the agreement of the participants in a psychodrama to hold in strict confidence the innermost thoughts and feelings of the protagonist, I have come to learn that too many people (including many lawyers) are willing to share confidences with those who were not part of the group.  The hurt that results from such breach is especially painful when it comes at the hands of one who has professed to be my friend. And perhaps more so when someone I admire, respect and look up to and who has repeatedly told me that they loved me and would “be there for me” has violated my confidence. Even worse is when these people, who advocate and teach role reversal  for greater understanding of others, have flat out refused to reverse roles with me when asked and instead have responded “I am not going to play those silly games.” Silly games?

I believe that a true friend seeks to understand, cares for and about me and will guard and protect my confidences as if they are their own. It has been a shock to me to learn that there are people who will take things I have disclosed in confidence, either in a psychodrama or a private and deeply personal conversation and reveal such information to others. I simply do not understand the ease with which my requests for confidence have been ignored. I hesitate to say the revelations were made maliciously or to hurt me, but I can’t reconcile why someone with whom I have shared deep, innermost thoughts and feelings would share those with others, especially with people who are not my friends or who have purposefully set out to hurt me.

I have also come to value the honest feedback of those friends who have been and are there for me. I know their comments come from the heart and are made with love and caring and not out of spite or with an agenda. It isn’t always easy to hear difficult things from your friends but it has been my experience that the truth from a loving friend enhances the friendship and helps me see things about myself that I may not have been able to see on my own. I appreciate people with whom I can be myself, even when we disagree. What would be the value of a friendship with someone who shares all of my opinions, sees all things through my paradigm or who agrees with every idea or thought I have? The sharing of ideas and open debate with those close to me are gifts I treasure and stimulates my creativity.

I am certainly not a perfect friend. I can be opinionated, short and at times angry. I can also be impatient. I have no doubt I have hurt people out of ignorance or anger. But I strive to be there for those close to me and keep to myself the confidences that have been shared.  I also try to apologize when I inflict pain. I imagine at some times I am more successful than at others.

Maybe in life we only earn a few close friends who we can trust both implicitly and explicitly, and who will truly be there for us in our time of need. I am grateful that I have a few such people in my life. They bring me great joy and hope. And to those who have discarded me and my friendship because it no longers meets your needs, I hope you find what you are looking for and that you will be blessed, as I have been, with a few true friends.

Blind Loyalty, Betrayal and Self Preservation: The Silencing of Dissent

A person can’t be expected to be loyal to something or someone who is hurting or destroying them, that causes them pain or asks them to go against their personal morals, values or integrity.  It also requires the person from whom this blind loyalty is demanded to overlook, ignore or set aside their own ethics and beliefs and replace them with those of the person or group from whom the demand emanates. Such expectation of blind loyalty runs contrary to our fundamental human instinct of self-preservation and results in a loss of self.  Indeed, a high price to pay.

Expecting someone to chose another over themselves is akin to demanding an abused spouse stay in a dysfunctional marriage or risk being labeled disloyal or a betrayer. It puts all the blame on the person who has the courage to preserve themselves and end or leave the relationship. Speaking up as a way to defend oneself is simply not a viable option because to those who demand blind loyalty, objecting, or voicing dissent is, in itself, an act of disloyalty. And, it will nearly always be punished.

When one human being treats another badly, abuses them either physically, mentally, psychologically or emotionally, or asks or expects them to engage in behavior that goes against their personal values and/or morals, in essence, they force them to make a choice. Either choose to continue the relationship and suffer in silence in the dysfunctional environment; or, save yourself and preserve your integrity. Sometimes in life we must, for our own well being, choose ourselves or risk loosing our mental health and/or our integrity. This is true whether the dysfunction comes at the hands of a single person or through participation in a group.

When problems arise in groups, effective leaders focus on problem solving strategies in order to explore various ways to make things better. They are willing to open the lines of communication and hear all voices, whether they be concurring or dissenting ones. When this opportunity is not provided or such a mechanism is not in place, it forces a dichotomous decision on the part of the group’s members – me or them; self or the group.

The narcissistic leaders of dysfunctional groups never take responsibility for problems within the group, are not willing to hear the voices of dissent but rather, scapegoat or blame others, and in particular, those who chose to speak up or leave the group to preserve themselves. In this way, these so-called leaders maintain the myth of loyalty on their part and force the label of betrayer on those who chose themselves over the group. It is a convenient way to silence dissent and to vilify those who depart for their own reasons. And, in the twisted mind of these narcissistic leaders, they believe it builds greater loyalty on the part of those who remain. If they can successfully label someone a betrayer, those who remain will focus on that person rather than on the dysfunction of the group. It also sends a strong message to the members of the group; give us blind loyalty or be punished.

Betrayal is a loaded word, especially when ones only choice is to betray another or to betray yourself. How can a person be expected to maintain their loyalty when doing so is injurious to them, their integrity, mental, psychological, emotional, and in certain circumstances, physical well being?  Either way, the person who is forced to make this choice looses.
Some people like to use the phrase “The magic mirror is always at work” to describe the relationships between people. E.g., if I am feeling distant from my friend, they must be feeling distant from me. If I am not feeling heard by my friend, they must not be feeling heard by me. If indeed there is such a “magic mirror,” then it necessarily follows that when one person labels another “betrayer,” the one being so labeled also feels betrayed by the person labeling them.

Fundamental fairness dictates, at the very least, that the people being accused be given the opportunity to defend themselves; to speak their truth. Aren’t all of us innocent until proven guilty? Doesn’t justice, truth, honesty and love, yes love, demand that the accused betrayer be given a chance to tell their story? And as we all know, no story is one sided. If you love someone, or profess to love them, shouldn’t you treat them with respect and dignity? Shouldn’t you care about what they are feeling or have to say? Or do you act as judge, jury and executioner and condemn the person you allegedly love and demand their voice, which may be one of dissent, remain silent?  Do you threaten punishment in the absence of blind loyalty? If speaking up and telling the truth is considered an act of disloyalty, that speaks volumes about the person or group who requires silence as an act of loyalty. This is, at the very least, hypocrisy, and at most tyranny.

The bottom line is that it isn’t right, fair or just to expect any of us to give blind loyalty to someone or something that is toxic, dishonest or unethical, or not what it purports to be. Moreover, it is even more dishonest to silence the voices of dissent. The “magic mirror” is a myth, a convenient excuse used to justify bad behavior. A person who refuses to give blind loyalty to another or to an organization is not a betrayer but simply a person who made a choice that was best for them, to preserve themselves, their well being and in some cases their integrity. We all have freedom of choice and in the end, we are the only ones who can protect and preserve ourselves. We can’t, and shouldn’t, expect others to do it for us. Nor should we be punished for exercising our free will, or, our freedom of speech.

Felix Frankfurter, the Supreme Court Justice, perhaps said it best: “Those who begin cohersive elimination of dissent soon find themselves exterminating dissenters. Compulsory unification of opinion achieves only the unanimity of the graveyard.”

Narcissists and Sycophants: A Marriage Made in Hell

Whether we realize it or not, we all have at least one narcissist in our lives. In fact, according to authors Jean Twenge, PhD and Keith Campbell, PhD, there is a narcissism epidemic in this country.  (The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement, Free Press, 2009, Twenge PhD., Campbell, PhD.).

After reading this eye opening book I found myself thinking about this subject in general and agree with the authors that narcissism is sweeping our country and wreaking havoc on the personal, social and professional relationships of the masses. Most of us, however, live in denial. We don’t want to view someone we look up to as a narcissist and we certainly don’t want to acknowledge the hold narcissists have on us and on the world at large. We also live in denial about the part we play in the creation of the narcissist and the perpetuation of his or her behavior. Far too often the people drawn into the narcissist’s force field enable, condone and tolerate the negative and destructive behavior of the narcissist. We absolve ourselves by saying we are doing it for the greater good, or by apologizing for the narcissist’s behavior. Often we take responsibility for the damage caused to other’s psyches by the narcissist. If truth be known, we do it because we are afraid. We don’t want to wound the highly sensitive narcissist because we will pay dearly for this narcissistic injury. We don’t want to be tossed out of the narcissist’s orbit for speaking up, for disagreeing or challenging the narcissist because what we get from the narcissist fuels our own needs.

I have a theory about why this is. From my life experience, I have come to believe that sycophants fuel narcissists and enable them to exist and even thrive. I am sure this isn’t a new or novel idea on my part. In fact, it is probably overly simplistic.

Let’s begin with some descriptions. A narcissist is a person with inordinate fascination with himself or herself. They have few social control mechanisms, fewer friends, little or no psychic demands to do the right thing (even though they give lip service to this concept) do not look for approval from others, lack social barometers of how to conduct themselves, and are driven to be captivating, inspirational, charming and seductive. They have a desperate need to get others to buy into their worldview–their vision, to create a world that they populate with their devoted followers. They are grandiose, don’t listen to others, are prone to angry outbursts (often used to control others who disagree with them), bully subordinates, dominate meetings and are often isolated and paranoid. According to Twenge and Campbell, narcissism is “a disease that causes others to suffer.” Narcissism is nearly always corrosive to social relationships as it breeds distrust. Narcissists are prone to using people like they use books, information and knowledge—they pump them for information and then when they are through, throw them aside. To the narcissist, there are only friends or foes; you are either for or against their vision. There is no middle ground.

Sycophants are self-serving servile flatterers and are often slavishly submissive to the narcissist.  The narcissist and the sycophant need each other. The narcissist is completely dependent on the sycophant to feed his ego, to feel important and powerful.  The sycophant, on the other hand, is also dependent on the narcissist for the narcissist makes the sycophant feel included and connected to someone the sycophant believes is powerful and important and will elevate the sycophant to great success, recognition or social standing. The sycophant derives a lot of self worth from the narcissist as the relationship with the narcissist gives the sycophant social standing he otherwise would not have. In short, the relationship between the narcissist and sycophant is symbiotic; each feeding and dependent on the other. Without sycophants, the narcissist struggles, becomes depressed and feels his or her life has no meaning. A narcissist must have blind allegiance and the adoration of sycophantic followers because that is the food of the narcissist. Most often, a narcissist surrounds him or herself with “yes men” (slavishly submissive flatterers) who the narcissist sees as no threat to him or herself but yet, who are also not much good for advancing the narcissist’s vision. But that is ok with the narcissist, because he or she has all the answers, knows what is best and right and doesn’t listen to others anyway. The “yes men” are the means to an end, they help the narcissist get what he or she wants and will only be kept close as long as they serve a purpose.

As a group, sycophants find meaning and purpose out of protecting and becoming the narcissist’s handlers. They bond with other sycophants in this common purpose and are simultaneously validated by each other for how dysfunctional this interpersonal interplay is, either on a conscious or unconscious level, depending on the dysfunction of each individual. In such groups, everyone suffers. There are no winners in this symbiotic relationship. The narcissist’s hold is so great it is hard for the sycophant to escape the narcissist’s seductive embrace. At some point, depending on the amount of pain the sycophant has had to endure, they will wake up when they are no longer able to tolerate being used or when their own ethics or integrity will no longer permit them to be passive participants in the destructive world of the narcissist. Faced with abandonment, the narcissist acts more and more out of desperation, devolves deeper into his or her pathology and ends up alone and even more isolated, completing the cycle of narcissistic self-destruction.

In the end, narcissists die alone and sycophants suffer stunted emotional and psychological growth, unless they grow strong enough to break their addiction and choose to value their own self-worth instead of abandoning it for the advancement of the narcissist.

I highly recommend anyone interested in the burgeoning narcissism epidemic read Twenge and Campbell’s excellent book. It is both eye opening and thought provoking.

Another good book on narcissists is Michael Maccoby’s Narcissistic Leaders: Who Succeeds and Who Fails (Broadway Books, 2003).

Depression – A Black Hole

Nothing is worse then depression. When you feel lost and hopeless; like you are trapped and there is no escape. In these moments my world is dark and cold and all I want to do is sleep … or die. I can picture my lifeless body lying on the floor, pools of blood encircling me.

With this depression comes loneliness and isolation. I don’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. I don’t want to talk on the phone or even to my wife. I just want to retreat into my inner world and curl up in the fetal position, rocking myself like an infant. How I wish I could go back to the innocent days of childhood when I was worry and care free. Even the tiniest responsibility feels overwhelming and the smallest obstacle insurmountable. Worse yet, I am certain there is no one in the world who understands. How could they possibly understand? I am all alone.

I know I have friends and a wife who love me and have listened, but I fear they will grow tired of my overwhelming, unending sadness and abandon me. I can’t stand feeling this way but am powerless to change. I am a prisoner, my arms and legs shackled together like a calf that is hog tied and waiting for slaughter. I am unable to move. Friends can avoid or ignore. For me there is no escape.

Right now I hate life. I hate myself, my job and the world. I feel no joy. I am despondent. I have no mental, physical or emotional energy. I feel as if I have nothing left to give to anyone, even to myself. If I could will away this depression I would in a heartbeat. I would make a deal with the devil himself to feel normal again; to laugh; to sing; to care.

The doctors say this will pass. That this is just a result of burn out, caused by prolonged and excessive stress. Many people confuse stress and being overworked with burn out. They are incredibly wrong, uninformed and naïve. Stress involves too much: too many pressures that demand too much of you. But, you can still manage if you can just get everything under control. Burnout, on the other hand, is about not enough and results in your feeling empty, devoid of motivation, and beyond caring.  It is feeling undervalued, unappreciated and lacking in control. When you are burned out you don’t see any hope for positive change in your situation. The former is drowning in responsibilities and the later is being all dried up. I am all dried up like a dead rotting flower, its petals falling helplessly and unnoticed to the earth.

Right now I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I am hoping, no, praying, that someone pierces that darkness with a pin and let’s the light stream in. In the end it will have to be me. But right now I don’t even have the ability to find the pin, let alone use it to pierce the darkness.

The L Word is a Lie

About 5 or 6 years ago, the lesbian community rejoiced at the creation of a Showtime original series “The L Word” whose story lines focused on several lesbian characters, their lives and relationships. Every Sunday lesbians across American sat together in living rooms, bars and community centers and watched with deep satisfaction and joy as the lesbian lifestyle was exposed to all of America.  L Word parties became the rage and were the highlight of many a woman’s weekend as well as the hot topic of conversation. Lesbians were finally main stream.

The problem, as I see it, is that the show presents a mythical, fictional and unrealistic view of lesbians and their lives. I mean, come on, have you ever met as many hot, sexy and gorgeous lesbians as the main or supporting characters on the show? Do you know any lesbians who live the kind of life the women on the L Word live? Maybe you will see these types in small numbers at the annual Dinah Shore event in Palm Springs or on occasion in Provincetown, Los Angeles or New York but in my everyday life, I can count the lesbian women I know who look, dress and act like the women on the L Word on one hand, and then using only one or two fingers.

I recently married my partner and we are now one of the 18,000 gay couples who got married in CA before a slim majority of ignorant and bigoted voters passed Prop 8 (it should actually be called Prop Hate) prohibiting gay marriage. For our honeymoon we went on an Olivia Cruise to the Caribbean. In case you don’t know, Olivia cruises are lesbian cruises. Prior to departure we were excited at the prospect of being on a ship with all women, in a community where we could be a couple, hold hands and gaze into each other’s eyes at dinner without fear of hateful looks or nasty comments. We could enjoy a real romantic and celebratory honeymoon as a couple and not have to pretend to be roommates or sisters. And, as an added bonus,  having seen footage of Olivia cruises on both the L Word and Work Out, I had a vision that the ship would be filled with beautiful lesbian women such as those featured on both of those shows. For one short week, my wife and I could live the L Word life! Boy was I in for a surprise.

As we embarked on the cruise I looked around at the women on board and thought to myself “The L Word is a LIE!” The majority, and I am talking 80 to 85% of the women on this cruise we not only fat, they were obese. They were not, as a whole, beautiful, hot, sexy or gorgeous. Most had short butchy haircuts. Most were older. Where were the normal looking women? Where were the women like me? I exercise, eat healthy, am fairly attractive, and dress somewhat fashionably. In short, I take care of myself. Before I stepped foot on the ship I thought I would see and meet a lot of women like my wife and myself. This was not to be.

Another thing I found disturbing is how masculine many of the women were.  I am a lesbian because I am attracted to women. I have never understood why a lesbian who purportedly wants to be with another woman would chose to be with a woman who looks like a man. What is up with that? The number of extremely butch and masculine women on this trip astounded me.

Now there is nothing wrong with a woman being athletic, wearing her hair short or having masculine qualities, (I have straight women friends like this) but I really cringe when I see women dressing in men’s clothes and acting like men. I just don’t get it.  On formal night, I was shocked by the number of lesbian women wearing men’s suits, and I mean real men’s suits complete with ties and wing tips. This is not to say that dresses should be required (I only own two and rarely wear them) but couldn’t these women dress in female clothes? Is it lack of self-esteem that drives them to men’s clothes or is it rampant obesity? I guess the obesity should have come as no surprise. After all, nearly two-thirds of Americans are obese or grossly overweight. Why should the lesbian community be immune to the epidemic?

Now don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed the cruise. Olivia is a great company and provides travel opportunities for women in safe, secure and comfortable environments. They have created settings where we can feel free to and simply be ourselves. The company does a great job and I recommend that more lesbians take advantage of the Olivia experience.  But don’t expect to see the type of lesbian community the L Word or Work Out projects. Beautiful, hot, sexy and gorgeous lesbians were in the minority on my cruise. But one thing you can count on, you will feel safe and free to be yourself in a loving and open community.

The point? The L Word IS a lie. Isn’t most everything we see on television or at the movies? If television simply held up a mirror to society, no one would watch. Who among us would watch a show about fat, unattractive lesbians? Every one of us, gay, straight or questioning wants to believe in something better and more beautiful, more perfect than ourselves or our everyday lives. Come the beginning of the final season of the L Word, you will find me and my wife in front of our television every Sunday night imagining ourselves living in the fantasy world created by Showtime.

Prop Hate and the Boycott of the Mormon Church

I have not written specifically on this blog about Prop 8 in California or in any way other than tangentially about my sexual orientation.  But with the passage of Prop 8 it is time for me to take a stand, speak my mind and share what is in my heart.

 

When the California Supreme Court opinion came down in May of this year granting gay and lesbian Californians the right to marry, I immediately went to the Court’s web site and downloaded the over 120 page opinion. As I read it, I wept. Finally, someone was speaking up for me and my gay brothers and sisters, finally someone understood the importance of our relationships with our partners, of how much these relationships satisfied our souls, nurtured and fulfilled us.  At last, we were being told that we deserved and were entitled to the most basic fundamental human right- the right to marry the person we loved.

 

Now mind you, as a gay woman, I never believed that in my lifetime I would be given the right to marry. And so the Supreme Court’s decision buoyed my spirits and made me feel equal to all of my heterosexual friends. I could share with them my joy and invite them to help me celebrate the joining of my life with my partner’s. We would finally be able to have our union validated and legally and socially recognized. I would no longer be a second class citizen, looked down upon, considered sick and immoral.

 

That very evening my partner and I sat down and chose the date for our wedding. We took out a pad of paper and began scribbling out our plans and joyfully creating our guest list. It felt surreal to think about our wedding, an event we never thought we would celebrate.

 

As we made our plans; met with caterers, selected the location and finalized our guest list, never far from our minds was the looming threat that the voters in California would take away this fundamental right we had so long fought and hoped for. To ensure that we could and would be legally wed, we chose a date before November 4 to celebrate the union of our lives. My head told me that surely people would not discriminate against us and deny us the right to marry the person of our choosing; my love for my partner being no different than the love my closest friends have for their opposite sex spouses. But my intellect reminded me of the history of discrimination in this country. After all, it wasn’t that long ago that interracial marriage was prohibited. And it hasn’t been that long since the passage of the Civil Rights Act. I was hoping with an African American as our democratic candidate for President that I was wrong, that our country had advanced and become more tolerant and accepting.

 

And then the campaign of hate began. Commercials filled with lies, funded with money from religious organizations such as the Mormon Church aired night and day. My stomach turned. The hate and intolerance that spewed from the television over and over again each night told me that there were those who did not want me and my partner to enjoy the basic human right of forming a family with the person of our choosing. They did not want us to have the comfort and solace of the person we loved the most when we lay dying. In many states, only family members can be by the bedside of a person as they take their last breath. Without jumping through a bunch of legal hurdles, a gay couple cannot pass property to each other upon death. Absent being a heterosexual married couple, we have no right to the social security benefits of a spouse. These are only a few of the rights heterosexual couples take for granted and which are denied to us, simply because we love someone of the same sex. Prop 8 was really misnamed. It should have been called Prop Hate.

 

At the same time this country elected its first bi racial president, gay marriage bans passed in three states, California, Arizona (where it had been defeated twice before) and in another state that I can’t recall at the moment. In at least one other state the voters decided that gay couples cannot and should not be permitted to adopt a child. As the mother of a happy, healthy and married heterosexual male, this angered me. Sexual orientation does not impair ones parenting abilities. Just ask my son.

 

In California, at least, much of the money used to fuel the campaign of hate came from Mormons, with a significant amount coming from out of state. The Mormon Church actively advocated its members donate money to the Yes on 8 Campaign. Many heeded the call. Many others became political activists and organized; manning phone banks and canvassing neighborhoods, knocking on doors and spreading lies and hate. The Mormon Church and its members actively and substantially became involved in politics, something a non-profit, tax exempt religious organization is prohibited by law from doing. Remember separation of Church and State? The Mormon Church does not pay taxes. But we gay Americans do and yet we are denied the most basic and fundamental rights all other taxpaying Americans enjoy and take for granted.

 

There is a war cry being sounded in gay communities all across America – Boycott Mormon owned businesses. This is a war cry that should be heeded. While I understand that there are some in our community who do not support a boycott of businesses that financially or otherwise supported the passage of Prop 8, especially while we are experiencing such a horrible economic downturn, history has shown us that boycotts are extremely effective.

 

As a community we should not support or frequent any business or use the services of any professional who supports and/or encourages hate, intolerance or discrimination. Any business that takes our money and then works financially or otherwise to prevent us from enjoying basic fundamental civil rights does not deserve to have our business. The gay community is a very powerful economic force and we need to use the power of our wallets to send a message. After all, it was the power of the wallets of the Mormons, the Catholics and other religious zealots that contributed to the passage of Prop 8. Let those businesses and professionals who support hate, intolerance and discrimination experience what it feels like to be singled out and treated differently. Let us hurt them where it matters most, in their pocketbooks. Let them feel the pain and the consequence of their hate and discrimination.

 

Businesses that support hate, intolerance and discrimination want our green dollars but do not want us to have civil rights, the same rights many heterosexuals take for granted. These businesses are color blind when it comes to money – green is green regardless of who is paying – and want our green dollars to enrich themselves and their bottom lines but do not want us to enjoy basic fundamental civil rights. We will take your money and we will take your right to marry. By using the power of our wallet we can make a statement to all such businesses and professionals that discrimination in any form is not acceptable. If they can’t treat gay Americans the same in all respects as heterosexuals, they don’t deserve our money, especially when we can give it to others who believe in equal rights for all. Would any of us frequent an establishment that advocated or supported discrimination against Blacks, Hispanics, Asians, or Jews? The power of the wallet is one of our best weapons in this fight. Especially during these challenging economic times. After all, these businesses used the power of their wallets to take from us a right many of us desperately want.

 

Now is NOT the time to be invisible. Now is NOT the time to sit on the sidelines. Now is NOT the time to be silent. Now is NOT the time to give our hard earned gay dollars to bigots, religious zealots or businesses that care more about their bottom lines than they do basic
fundamental human rights. We need to let the public know we are here and that we are proud. We need to hold our heads high and share with the world our love for our partners and our community. We need to shape public opinion. We need to let people know who we are and kindly, passionately and proudly let them know we are just like them. We love. We cry. We hurt. We pay taxes and we raise children. And we must NOT let anyone take advantage of us in any way, especially financially. Many businesses have profited off of the backs of the gay community for far too long. A boycott against those businesses that do not see us as equal and only take our money to line their own pockets is the right thing to do.

 

We need to rally. We need to write letters to the editor. We need to boycott. We need to protest. We need to educate. We need to support politicians who will be there for us when it might mean they won’t be re-elected because it is the RIGHT thing to do. We need to picket and
stop supporting financially or with our vote ANY politician who does not believe that we deserve equal rights. Not separate rights, not rights by any other name, but the same rights as all other Americans take for granted. We need to stand up, be heard and counted.

Guarantee Mentality: The Cancer of Relationships

Over the course of the last several years, I have seen the romantic relationships of many of my friends struggle, crumble and finally fail. There seems to be something inherently difficult in creating a satifying, fulfilling or succesful relationship. In pondering this topic, one day I had an ephiphany; most people view relationships with a guarantee mentality. What do I mean by this?

When we buy a product, such as a car or expensive piece of electronic equipment, we get a manufacturers warranty. This warranty assures, or “guarantees” us that if something goes wrong with our new toy, the manufacturer will either repair or replace the item. We need do nothing. All of the burden of fixing the problem falls on the shoulders of the manufacturer. In this consumption society, we have become accustomed to, rely on and outright expect others to fix any problem we may have.

I have come to the conclusion that this is how many, if not most, people view relationships. Perhaps not consciously but most likely unconsciously. If something is wrong in our relationships, we first blame the creation of the problem on our significant other. (If our car breaks down it is the manufacturer’s fault, right?) Second, we expect, and often demand that our partner fix the problem. After all, “it couldn’t be me who caused this problem. And besides, when we entered into this relationship you promised to stay in the relationship and to solve our problems. So do it!” I call this the guarantee mentality.

So, what is wrong with this? This mentality can, and eventually will doom your relationship to failure. If we always look to  the other to change or solve our relationship problems, we are not truly invested in the success of the relationship. Successful relationships are, or should be, co-creative. Two people must work together to define their relationship and resolve differences as they arise. It cannot fall on the shoulders of only one partner. When that happens it build resentment and contempt; a true relationship nuclear bomb. Once contempt sets in, it is like a disease that spreads and festers. By the time it is discovered, the entire system is infected and death is imminent.

But we can prevent this from happening. How? First, we must stay conscious in our relationship. We must voice our concerns as they arise and feel safe to express our feelings. We must own our part – and yes, there always is one – in any problem. We need to strive to understand before seeking to be understood. And we must be willing to work hard to have effective communication with our partner. It is not simply enough to listen. We must truly hear our partners and let them know they have been heard.

It sounds much harder than it needs to be. Look outside yourself and put your significant other first. If both parties to a relationship do this, everything else will come naturally.

The only guarantee we should expect or demand is from ourselves; to be the best we can be. To get the most out of a relationship we should expect and demand of ourself that which we expect and demand of our partner. Nothing less will result in success.

I Am Resigning from My Family

My heart is broken. I am getting married on Saturday October 18 to someone who has opened my heart and shown me what it feels like to truly be loved for who I am and to love deeply. There is nothing more powerful than that feeling and I can’t wait to pledge my life and love to this incredible person. October 18 will be one of the most important days of my life and I want to share my joy with those I love and who are important to me. I want to be surrounded by family and friends who will bear witness to our celebration.

So why the broken heart you ask? Yesterday when I returned home from an out of town trip, I received an rsvp from my youngest sister declining to attend the wedding. I haven’t spoken with her since I called her in May to tell her of the wedding and to save the date. At the time her response was “I will do the best I can to be there but I might have homework (she is in college) and the girls (my nieces) may have a softball tournament.” After confessing my pain, there was no apology, no congratulations, no questions about details, no shared joy, just a short and somewhat strident retort “I will do the best I can.” Here I was telling her about one of the most important days of my life and how much I wanted her and her family to join us in the celebration and all she could say was “I will do the best I can?”  I hung up hurt and confused.

In the months that followed I have not had one single call from her to ask about the wedding or any of the details. There has been no sharing of my joy and happiness and no efforts to participate in any way. Nothing, nada, zip. I tried to talk to my mother about it but she just said something about my sister being busy and that it would work out. Even my mother has not asked for many details about the wedding. I get the sense she doesn’t know what to say so has opted to say nothing or very little. There seems to be no excitement about this momentous occasion the part of my family. This is in stark contrast to my partner’s family who is excited and enthusiastic. Every single one of my partner’s four siblings is attending and has shown nothing but excitement about the wedding.

Now please understand, I am an adult, 47 years old, and marrying another woman. My family has known about my lifestyle for nearly 20 years and except for their initial discomfort and distress some 19 years ago they have seemed to accept me and the various women I have had in my life over the years. I have participated in their lives and they in mine. Now I don’t know what to think.

I was raised to believe that blood is thicker than water and that you can’t depend on anyone except your family. Recently my father was reminding me, even though it felt like a lecture, that after he and my mother depart this life I only have my sisters to count on. He told me that we need to get along and be there for each other. After all, he said, you only have each other. Throughout my life I have taken these words to heart. While I may not have always been the best sister I have been there in the moments they needed me most and I have shared their joys and sorrows. 

My wedding is one of the most important events of my life. It is something I, as a gay woman, never thought I would have the chance to experience – to marry the person of my choosing and to have our relationship legally and publicly validated- to celebrate our love for each other with friends and family by our side. By her declination my sister is telling me that neither I or my partner are important, that our relationship is meaningless, certainly less meaningful than a softball tournament that a thirteen and ten year old girl have to play in.

To say I am hurt is an understatement.  The pain I feel is deep and unrelenting. I feel such a huge loss and so much grief, it is as if a death has occurred. And it has. I have lost my biological sister. Her decision flies in the face of everything my father taught me about family. It wounds me deep to the core and leaves me feeling sad and alone, as if I don’t have a sister at all. My father was wrong, you can’t count on your sisters.

And so, I have decided to resign from my family. At least from the role of sister. I don’t want to see or talk with my sister. I don’t want her to call or write or even send an email. I no longer want to participate in her life and don’t want her in mine. Harsh, you might say, but I have to protect my heart from further pain. Her decision to attend a youth softball game over my wedding speaks volumes about my place in her heart and her life. If I mean so little to her it is best that we have no relationship at all. Maybe I won’t always feel this way but today that is how I am feeling.

There is a saying “Friends are the family we choose.” And luckily for me I have some of the most incredible friends anyone could ever want. Several of my closest friends are flying in from across the country to celebrate this incredible and important event with me. They are excited and happy for me. One of my best friends who can’t attend because her 86 year old mother is taking her and her family on a cruise, sat down with me the other day and wanted to hear every minute detail about the wedding, from my dress to the napkins, to the schedule of events, so she could have a picture in her mind of the day and share in my joy. Her happiness for me was all over her face and it filled my heart. She insists that I must send her pictures and tells me she will be thinking of me on October 18. She tells me how much she wishes she could be with us and to help us celebrate. Her love and kindness are great gifts to me and I am blessed to have her as my friend. My sister should take a lesson.

In my quietest moments I wonder if I am overreacting. I addressed this with a group of friends this past weekend (when I simply suspected that my sister would make this decision) and to a one they said no, that if she decided to attend a softball game over my wedding it would be wrong and that I would be justified to be hurt and angry.  They wondered why she would ever do that and what was really motivating her decision.  Some asked why my parents weren’t stepping up to the plate to intervene and tell her she needed to be there. Most just simply couldn’t understand why my family isn’t more involved or excited for me. And everyone felt and shared my pain.

Maybe time will heal this wound. Maybe this is the final step on the journey of separation from my family.  I don’t know. I just know that my heart is broken.

Are you listening?

One of my pet peeves is people who do not listen. Sadly, I am finding that this is true of most people. And I just don’t understand it. If you ask someone a question, don’t you want to hear the answer? If you ask someone what you can do to help them and they tell you, why don’t you listen and actually do the thing you have agreed to do?

In my job as Executive Director of a non-profit, I deal with many people on any given day. Some are our customers and some are the volunteers who help keep our organization running.  What frustrates, and at times infuriates me, are those people who do not listen. Time and time again folks ask me a question or sit in a meeting where a topic is discussed ad naseum only to leave the meeting and behave as if it never happened or as if they never heard a word that was said. I find myself repeating myself and the very simple instructions I give people over and over again. And then folks wonder why I am crabbing, upset or just downright bitchy.

I know I am not alone in my feelings nor am I the only person who isn’t heard. And by the way, being heard isn’t the same thing as being listened to. Tune into any one of the numerous psuedo news shows where talking heads are the norm and you will hear those talking heads spewing rhetoric that has nothing, or at least very little, to do with the questions posed to them. And when have you seen a politician actually answer a question that is posed to him?

Children don’t listen to their parents. Spouses don’t listen to each other. Doctors don’t listen to their patients and we all know damn well that insurance companies don’t listen to anyone. And our own government is the worst of all. Once a person gets elected to office, be it local or national, the ability to listen is simply lost. And so our country is leaderless and lacks direction. But who notices? We are all too busy watching our televisions, listening to our ipods or playing with our computers and video games. Attention America – We have an epidemic in this country! It is self-absorption, narcissism, egocentrism and plain old selfishness. People are so engrossed in themselves that they don’t take the time to listen or connect to anyone. I for one am tired of it and am looking for a way to change. Any suggestions?