Words of Wisdom From One So Young

I have been blessed with an incredible son who is not only talented, but wise beyond his years. For mother’s day he gave me a card in which he wrote a message that both soothed my pain and gave advice. The strange thing is, he had no idea at the time that I was struggling with one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make. His words gave me courage. I share them with you below.

“Sometimes the weight of all our stresses and obligations can feel like an unmanageable burden, in turn clouding our focus and shifting our sights from the things that really matter in life. Careers are fleeting, and money comes and goes. Don’t forget that your greatest impact on the world around you comes not from professional success, but from your relationships with the people who love you, be they friends or family, blood or not. You taught me that happiness flows from the giving of yourself to others rather than from ambition, and that surrendering your mind to worry over things that are beyond your control cannot be sustained for long.

We all have days where the road ahead seems to stretch out much too far, and we want nothing more than to give up. Just please remember that TLC is NOT your life. I am. Carole is. Your family and friends are. Your life is the people that you care about and the things that make you feel passion. We are all here to help shoulder your burdens and lift you up when you fall. I wish that you could see the overwhelming success in your own life that I see, and the vast amount of love and respect that so many others have for you. If there’s one thing you should never feel, it’s alone, as there are many places to turn for encouragement, to vent, or simply for a shoulder to cry on.

When you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, simply remind yourself that you are very much loved and appreciated, and that the wealth of spirit, friendship, and positive will that you possess can neither be surpassed nor diminished by anybody or anything that work can throw at you. I love you Mom, and I’m always here for you.”

Reformation?

If you have been reading my blog, you know that my personal journey over the last year has been both tumultuous and eye opening. Over the last twelve months I have felt both tremendous pain and great joy. I have experienced the depths of despair and at times, lost faith in my fellow man. My confidences have been breached and those who claimed they were friends abandoned me. I guess this is just part of living.

But today, my heart is hurting for some people I hold dear. Over the last nine years I have been fortunate enough to work with some incredibly talented, generous, loving and selfless people who constantly give of themselves, share their incredible talents and skills while seeking nothing in return.  Fredilyn Sison, Carl Bettinger, Lynne Bratcher and Katlin Larimer have enriched the lives of many people, mine included, in innumerous ways and I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to each of them. Their gifts have been freely given and the time and energy devoted to helping others have been immense.

Sadly, the old adage that no good deed goes unpunished is being put into action by the new president of TLC. Punishment for the failure to swear allegiance to or accede to the opinions/demands/ideas or vision of those at the top is coming in the form of a swift kick out the door.  Make no mistake; there is nothing voluntary in the departures of Fredi, Carl, Lynne and Katlin from the TLC Board of Directors. No amount of spin or propaganda can change the facts.  And to make matters worse, Fredi, Carl and Katlin were asked for their resignations on the eve of the Advanced Workshop. Because they are professionals and deeply ethical, they continued to give their all to the students, with no word about their betrayal by people who claimed to be their friends.

Today is indeed a sad day for TLC, for the alumni and future students. To all of you who have been rejected and set aside, you may be being forced out; with little more than a cursory thank you and insincere word of appreciation, but those whose lives you have touched will not forget you. Take comfort in the words of Gerry Spence, shared in his blog posting “The Great Gift of Rejection.“ www.gerryspence.wordpress.com. According to Gerry Spence, rejection is a gift. “By having been rejected by those who I wanted to take me I have, involuntarily remained free, which has been the greatest gift of all.  Those who rejected me knew best.  I owe them great thanks. . . .”

Accordingly, embrace the gift of rejection that Jude Basile and TLC have given you. You are now free. You don’t need a college or a ranch to make an impact on people or a difference in their lives. There are plenty of places to share your gifts. Don’t let those foolish enough to set you aside minimize your self worth and the contributions you have made to the lives of many. Remember, life is short. Perhaps it is time to take back control of your life, recognize who your true friends are, and spend your time, energy and talent on people who and organizations that value both you and your gifts.

Are You a True Friend?

I have been thinking a great deal about what it means to be a friend. I have written on this topic before in my post “Darling, I Am Here For You.” Luckily for me, I have some incredible friends who embody this saying and have been there for me over the last several months during a time of great challenge and transition. I have cried with these friends and laughed, and they have held, supported, encouraged and nurtured me through my pain and sadness. They have also celebrated my great joys. For my part, I have, I hope, been there for them as well. While this saying, or more aptly stated practice, is incredibly important to me, I have realized in the last few weeks that friendship is about so much more than this simple principle alone.

In the last several months, I have discovered, much to my dismay, that for some people friendship is a matter of convenience or is based on what I can do for them. The word friend easily rolls off their tongues and while they talk a good game, the meaning of true friendship is a concept they are unfamiliar with.  Sadly, some of these proclaimed friends have turned their backs on me when I was down and had no qualms about dumping me when they felt it was beneficial for them to do so. Before the last few months, I simply couldn’t fathom that some of those people who called me friend, professed to love and care about me, would quickly abandon me when others, with more power or greater influence beckoned them. Apparently, for these people, advancement of personal interests is higher in priority than friendship.

This realization has been quite painful for me and causes me to question my own judgment in trusting some of these people. Over the years, I have trusted and bared my soul in psychodrama to many of these folks.  Much to my surprise, some have had no difficulty revealing to others what I shared in confidence.  Some have gone so far as to use information gained in a psychodrama about my childhood experiences against me. Perhaps I was naïve, but this simply shocks me. How can anyone trust the psychodramatic process if those who participate are willing to and will breach confidence when it suits them to do so or when it gives them an advantage?

Don’t get me wrong; I am a firm believer in psychodrama. I don’t, however, think it is a panacea or the solution to all a person’s problems. But it is a method that can help people understand themselves and grow as a person. This is valuable and worthwhile. But it does not nor can it answer or solve all problems nor eliminate or erase the bad things that have happened to us. It can, however, give us clarity and insight and help us change for the better.  At least it has done this for me and continues to do so.

Psychodrama is a process through which I have greatly benefitted in terms of my knowledge about myself, who I am and why I am the way I am. I have grown immensely as a result of my own personal work. I have also benefitted from my personal therapy off the psychodrama stage. The combination of both have given me strength and empowered me to stand up for myself and take control of my life.  I know my therapist will not, and legally cannot, reveal my confidences. Just as a lawyer must guard and protect a client’s confidence (with limited exceptions), so must a therapist.

Despite the agreement of the participants in a psychodrama to hold in strict confidence the innermost thoughts and feelings of the protagonist, I have come to learn that too many people (including many lawyers) are willing to share confidences with those who were not part of the group.  The hurt that results from such breach is especially painful when it comes at the hands of one who has professed to be my friend. And perhaps more so when someone I admire, respect and look up to and who has repeatedly told me that they loved me and would “be there for me” has violated my confidence. Even worse is when these people, who advocate and teach role reversal  for greater understanding of others, have flat out refused to reverse roles with me when asked and instead have responded “I am not going to play those silly games.” Silly games?

I believe that a true friend seeks to understand, cares for and about me and will guard and protect my confidences as if they are their own. It has been a shock to me to learn that there are people who will take things I have disclosed in confidence, either in a psychodrama or a private and deeply personal conversation and reveal such information to others. I simply do not understand the ease with which my requests for confidence have been ignored. I hesitate to say the revelations were made maliciously or to hurt me, but I can’t reconcile why someone with whom I have shared deep, innermost thoughts and feelings would share those with others, especially with people who are not my friends or who have purposefully set out to hurt me.

I have also come to value the honest feedback of those friends who have been and are there for me. I know their comments come from the heart and are made with love and caring and not out of spite or with an agenda. It isn’t always easy to hear difficult things from your friends but it has been my experience that the truth from a loving friend enhances the friendship and helps me see things about myself that I may not have been able to see on my own. I appreciate people with whom I can be myself, even when we disagree. What would be the value of a friendship with someone who shares all of my opinions, sees all things through my paradigm or who agrees with every idea or thought I have? The sharing of ideas and open debate with those close to me are gifts I treasure and stimulates my creativity.

I am certainly not a perfect friend. I can be opinionated, short and at times angry. I can also be impatient. I have no doubt I have hurt people out of ignorance or anger. But I strive to be there for those close to me and keep to myself the confidences that have been shared.  I also try to apologize when I inflict pain. I imagine at some times I am more successful than at others.

Maybe in life we only earn a few close friends who we can trust both implicitly and explicitly, and who will truly be there for us in our time of need. I am grateful that I have a few such people in my life. They bring me great joy and hope. And to those who have discarded me and my friendship because it no longers meets your needs, I hope you find what you are looking for and that you will be blessed, as I have been, with a few true friends.

Blind Loyalty, Betrayal and Self Preservation: The Silencing of Dissent

A person can’t be expected to be loyal to something or someone who is hurting or destroying them, that causes them pain or asks them to go against their personal morals, values or integrity.  It also requires the person from whom this blind loyalty is demanded to overlook, ignore or set aside their own ethics and beliefs and replace them with those of the person or group from whom the demand emanates. Such expectation of blind loyalty runs contrary to our fundamental human instinct of self-preservation and results in a loss of self.  Indeed, a high price to pay.

Expecting someone to chose another over themselves is akin to demanding an abused spouse stay in a dysfunctional marriage or risk being labeled disloyal or a betrayer. It puts all the blame on the person who has the courage to preserve themselves and end or leave the relationship. Speaking up as a way to defend oneself is simply not a viable option because to those who demand blind loyalty, objecting, or voicing dissent is, in itself, an act of disloyalty. And, it will nearly always be punished.

When one human being treats another badly, abuses them either physically, mentally, psychologically or emotionally, or asks or expects them to engage in behavior that goes against their personal values and/or morals, in essence, they force them to make a choice. Either choose to continue the relationship and suffer in silence in the dysfunctional environment; or, save yourself and preserve your integrity. Sometimes in life we must, for our own well being, choose ourselves or risk loosing our mental health and/or our integrity. This is true whether the dysfunction comes at the hands of a single person or through participation in a group.

When problems arise in groups, effective leaders focus on problem solving strategies in order to explore various ways to make things better. They are willing to open the lines of communication and hear all voices, whether they be concurring or dissenting ones. When this opportunity is not provided or such a mechanism is not in place, it forces a dichotomous decision on the part of the group’s members – me or them; self or the group.

The narcissistic leaders of dysfunctional groups never take responsibility for problems within the group, are not willing to hear the voices of dissent but rather, scapegoat or blame others, and in particular, those who chose to speak up or leave the group to preserve themselves. In this way, these so-called leaders maintain the myth of loyalty on their part and force the label of betrayer on those who chose themselves over the group. It is a convenient way to silence dissent and to vilify those who depart for their own reasons. And, in the twisted mind of these narcissistic leaders, they believe it builds greater loyalty on the part of those who remain. If they can successfully label someone a betrayer, those who remain will focus on that person rather than on the dysfunction of the group. It also sends a strong message to the members of the group; give us blind loyalty or be punished.

Betrayal is a loaded word, especially when ones only choice is to betray another or to betray yourself. How can a person be expected to maintain their loyalty when doing so is injurious to them, their integrity, mental, psychological, emotional, and in certain circumstances, physical well being?  Either way, the person who is forced to make this choice looses.
Some people like to use the phrase “The magic mirror is always at work” to describe the relationships between people. E.g., if I am feeling distant from my friend, they must be feeling distant from me. If I am not feeling heard by my friend, they must not be feeling heard by me. If indeed there is such a “magic mirror,” then it necessarily follows that when one person labels another “betrayer,” the one being so labeled also feels betrayed by the person labeling them.

Fundamental fairness dictates, at the very least, that the people being accused be given the opportunity to defend themselves; to speak their truth. Aren’t all of us innocent until proven guilty? Doesn’t justice, truth, honesty and love, yes love, demand that the accused betrayer be given a chance to tell their story? And as we all know, no story is one sided. If you love someone, or profess to love them, shouldn’t you treat them with respect and dignity? Shouldn’t you care about what they are feeling or have to say? Or do you act as judge, jury and executioner and condemn the person you allegedly love and demand their voice, which may be one of dissent, remain silent?  Do you threaten punishment in the absence of blind loyalty? If speaking up and telling the truth is considered an act of disloyalty, that speaks volumes about the person or group who requires silence as an act of loyalty. This is, at the very least, hypocrisy, and at most tyranny.

The bottom line is that it isn’t right, fair or just to expect any of us to give blind loyalty to someone or something that is toxic, dishonest or unethical, or not what it purports to be. Moreover, it is even more dishonest to silence the voices of dissent. The “magic mirror” is a myth, a convenient excuse used to justify bad behavior. A person who refuses to give blind loyalty to another or to an organization is not a betrayer but simply a person who made a choice that was best for them, to preserve themselves, their well being and in some cases their integrity. We all have freedom of choice and in the end, we are the only ones who can protect and preserve ourselves. We can’t, and shouldn’t, expect others to do it for us. Nor should we be punished for exercising our free will, or, our freedom of speech.

Felix Frankfurter, the Supreme Court Justice, perhaps said it best: “Those who begin cohersive elimination of dissent soon find themselves exterminating dissenters. Compulsory unification of opinion achieves only the unanimity of the graveyard.”

Narcissists and Sycophants: A Marriage Made in Hell

Whether we realize it or not, we all have at least one narcissist in our lives. In fact, according to authors Jean Twenge, PhD and Keith Campbell, PhD, there is a narcissism epidemic in this country.  (The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement, Free Press, 2009, Twenge PhD., Campbell, PhD.).

After reading this eye opening book I found myself thinking about this subject in general and agree with the authors that narcissism is sweeping our country and wreaking havoc on the personal, social and professional relationships of the masses. Most of us, however, live in denial. We don’t want to view someone we look up to as a narcissist and we certainly don’t want to acknowledge the hold narcissists have on us and on the world at large. We also live in denial about the part we play in the creation of the narcissist and the perpetuation of his or her behavior. Far too often the people drawn into the narcissist’s force field enable, condone and tolerate the negative and destructive behavior of the narcissist. We absolve ourselves by saying we are doing it for the greater good, or by apologizing for the narcissist’s behavior. Often we take responsibility for the damage caused to other’s psyches by the narcissist. If truth be known, we do it because we are afraid. We don’t want to wound the highly sensitive narcissist because we will pay dearly for this narcissistic injury. We don’t want to be tossed out of the narcissist’s orbit for speaking up, for disagreeing or challenging the narcissist because what we get from the narcissist fuels our own needs.

I have a theory about why this is. From my life experience, I have come to believe that sycophants fuel narcissists and enable them to exist and even thrive. I am sure this isn’t a new or novel idea on my part. In fact, it is probably overly simplistic.

Let’s begin with some descriptions. A narcissist is a person with inordinate fascination with himself or herself. They have few social control mechanisms, fewer friends, little or no psychic demands to do the right thing (even though they give lip service to this concept) do not look for approval from others, lack social barometers of how to conduct themselves, and are driven to be captivating, inspirational, charming and seductive. They have a desperate need to get others to buy into their worldview–their vision, to create a world that they populate with their devoted followers. They are grandiose, don’t listen to others, are prone to angry outbursts (often used to control others who disagree with them), bully subordinates, dominate meetings and are often isolated and paranoid. According to Twenge and Campbell, narcissism is “a disease that causes others to suffer.” Narcissism is nearly always corrosive to social relationships as it breeds distrust. Narcissists are prone to using people like they use books, information and knowledge—they pump them for information and then when they are through, throw them aside. To the narcissist, there are only friends or foes; you are either for or against their vision. There is no middle ground.

Sycophants are self-serving servile flatterers and are often slavishly submissive to the narcissist.  The narcissist and the sycophant need each other. The narcissist is completely dependent on the sycophant to feed his ego, to feel important and powerful.  The sycophant, on the other hand, is also dependent on the narcissist for the narcissist makes the sycophant feel included and connected to someone the sycophant believes is powerful and important and will elevate the sycophant to great success, recognition or social standing. The sycophant derives a lot of self worth from the narcissist as the relationship with the narcissist gives the sycophant social standing he otherwise would not have. In short, the relationship between the narcissist and sycophant is symbiotic; each feeding and dependent on the other. Without sycophants, the narcissist struggles, becomes depressed and feels his or her life has no meaning. A narcissist must have blind allegiance and the adoration of sycophantic followers because that is the food of the narcissist. Most often, a narcissist surrounds him or herself with “yes men” (slavishly submissive flatterers) who the narcissist sees as no threat to him or herself but yet, who are also not much good for advancing the narcissist’s vision. But that is ok with the narcissist, because he or she has all the answers, knows what is best and right and doesn’t listen to others anyway. The “yes men” are the means to an end, they help the narcissist get what he or she wants and will only be kept close as long as they serve a purpose.

As a group, sycophants find meaning and purpose out of protecting and becoming the narcissist’s handlers. They bond with other sycophants in this common purpose and are simultaneously validated by each other for how dysfunctional this interpersonal interplay is, either on a conscious or unconscious level, depending on the dysfunction of each individual. In such groups, everyone suffers. There are no winners in this symbiotic relationship. The narcissist’s hold is so great it is hard for the sycophant to escape the narcissist’s seductive embrace. At some point, depending on the amount of pain the sycophant has had to endure, they will wake up when they are no longer able to tolerate being used or when their own ethics or integrity will no longer permit them to be passive participants in the destructive world of the narcissist. Faced with abandonment, the narcissist acts more and more out of desperation, devolves deeper into his or her pathology and ends up alone and even more isolated, completing the cycle of narcissistic self-destruction.

In the end, narcissists die alone and sycophants suffer stunted emotional and psychological growth, unless they grow strong enough to break their addiction and choose to value their own self-worth instead of abandoning it for the advancement of the narcissist.

I highly recommend anyone interested in the burgeoning narcissism epidemic read Twenge and Campbell’s excellent book. It is both eye opening and thought provoking.

Another good book on narcissists is Michael Maccoby’s Narcissistic Leaders: Who Succeeds and Who Fails (Broadway Books, 2003).

Darling, I am Here For You

In our darkest times, we often turn to our friends to help us get through the challenges life throws at us. I know this has been true for me over the last few years and particularly true over the last several months.

If you have been reading my blog, you know I have engaged in many struggles during the last year. I got married in October to the love of my life without my sisters attending or participating in that joyous, and for me, momentous event. I became deeply depressed due to chronic burn out and work related stress. I decided to leave my job; a job I have given all of my self to, heart and soul, for over nine years. Each of these events posed incredible challenges to me, challenges which I am not sure I could have overcome without the love, support and understanding of some incredible friends.

By friends I do not mean acquaintances, or people you simply know through membership in similar groups or organizations. I mean people who know who I am, deeply and personally, who have heard the pain of my soul and stood by me when it was difficult to do so. For most of us, such true friends are few and far between. I can count mine on one hand.

Thich Nhat Hahn (a Buddhist monk) has a saying: “The greatest gift you can give someone is to say ‘Darling, I am here for you.’” When someone you call friend puts this saying into action and is truly there for you, it is indeed an incredible gift, one with which I have been blessed time and time again.

I owe a deep debt of gratitude to the friends who have listened, held my confidences, cared, supported and loved me more than I feel entitled. Your words of caring and comfort created the beacon that led me through the dark tunnel I found myself in for the last few months. You gave me hope and encouraged me to find my path. And you became my champions, believing in me and lifting me up when I felt I could not go on. I am truly blessed to have you in my life and I so look forward to our continued friendship.

The only way to repay you for all you have given me is to remind you that; “Darling, I am here for you.” I will answer your call when you reach out and will be there for you as you have been for me.

The Wheel

For nine years I have been in the same job. When I first embarked on the adventure of running a non-profit that provides continuing legal education for trial lawyers, I was excited and eager; filled with anticipation of helping lawyers reach their full potential, discover who they are and learn to connect with their clients. In 2000 when this journey began, we offered three regional seminars, one month long program and a one-week training program for our volunteer staff. My predecessor was unorganized. No systems were in place and little structure existed. Essentially, I had to start from scratch to create a functioning organization.

Over the last nine years these five program grew to thirteen. In 2009 we will conduct 14 programs. Our volunteer staff more than doubled and our board of directors increased accordingly. I am away from home approximately 16-18 weeks out of the year. No easy feat. The travel, while grueling in and of itself, is nothing compared to the emotional and physical toll being away from home and my wife takes on me. Not to mention dealing with huge egos, narcissists and 17 bosses, each of who has a different perspective and varying degrees of need.

I often describe the organization as a wheel and my position as the hub. I am the center and each board member a spoke. Other spokes belong to the volunteer staff, the paid consultants, our alumni association board, our alumni, the students we serve, our quarterly publication and the various administrative tasks I am assigned to supervise and oversee. Rarely is equal force applied to the hub by each spoke and rarer still is there an even or smooth rotation of the wheel. More often, the wheel is out of alignment, hobbling along. The spokes present competing and even opposite points of view that are often in conflict with each other. Communication breaks down and emotionality replaces rationality. Some take business decisions personally. Some demand ceaseless attention. Many make demands to feed their own egos. All the conflict and stress pull at me and sap my energy. It is simply impossible to please all of the spokes. How do I choose among them? Sadly, few recognize the toll this takes on me. And I am at a breaking point.

Make no mistake, I love the wheel. It is like a mistress that I jealously defend and protect. I believed in its mission, its goal. I recognize and celebrate the gifts it gives to all those who go on the ride. But I am exhausted. I am tired of answering to so many different people, many of whom criticize, second guess or seek to micro manage the journey. I am the one who pumps the tire every day, who maps out the trip and maintains the wheel. Most of the other spokes come and go as their need, desire or time permits. A program here or there. The occasional meeting when it doesn’t conflict with trial, family vacation or more personally important ventures. Few understand the day-to-day maintenance requirements of the wheel. They second guess decisions without any information, history or big picture view. The demand attention and work to persuade me to join them in their individual points of view that are often diametrically opposed to that of another spoke. When I try to right the wheel and maintain a balance between the competing ideas or opinions, to find common ground that will assist the wheel on its journey, I am accused of disloyalty, conspiracy or worse. Egos get bruised and feelings hurt. The mission of the wheel can be overshadowed by personal interests.

What I find most hurtful is the fact that appreciation from the various spokes comes infrequently and from some, not at all. Many view my job as easy, one they could do in their sleep. Few recognize how much is on my plate or how much emotional energy it takes to keep the wheel moving forward. Fewer still understand how challenging and exhausting it is to manage the strong personalities of the stakeholders involved. And those who are charged with helping me frequently make my job and maintenance of the wheel more difficult. More and more demands are placed on me on a regular basis. When I ask for help, despite promises that it will be given, none is forthcoming. I find my personal life evaporating and the wheel and all its spokes demanding more and more of my attention and energy. The pressure I am under is overwhelming. It often goes unnoticed, even by those spokes who purport to be my friends. Is the wheel worth it?

Right now I don’t have the answer. I just know I am drained. I am on the verge of burn out if not already burned out. One close friend describes my dilemma very graphically “I see you all wrapped in barbed wire. No matter what you do, you get cut.”

A few cuts can be tolerated, even treated. But when the cuts get deeper, occur too often or on a regular basis, they stop healing. It is at that point that infection steps in. Without treatment, death will surely result.

Depression – A Black Hole

Nothing is worse then depression. When you feel lost and hopeless; like you are trapped and there is no escape. In these moments my world is dark and cold and all I want to do is sleep … or die. I can picture my lifeless body lying on the floor, pools of blood encircling me.

With this depression comes loneliness and isolation. I don’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. I don’t want to talk on the phone or even to my wife. I just want to retreat into my inner world and curl up in the fetal position, rocking myself like an infant. How I wish I could go back to the innocent days of childhood when I was worry and care free. Even the tiniest responsibility feels overwhelming and the smallest obstacle insurmountable. Worse yet, I am certain there is no one in the world who understands. How could they possibly understand? I am all alone.

I know I have friends and a wife who love me and have listened, but I fear they will grow tired of my overwhelming, unending sadness and abandon me. I can’t stand feeling this way but am powerless to change. I am a prisoner, my arms and legs shackled together like a calf that is hog tied and waiting for slaughter. I am unable to move. Friends can avoid or ignore. For me there is no escape.

Right now I hate life. I hate myself, my job and the world. I feel no joy. I am despondent. I have no mental, physical or emotional energy. I feel as if I have nothing left to give to anyone, even to myself. If I could will away this depression I would in a heartbeat. I would make a deal with the devil himself to feel normal again; to laugh; to sing; to care.

The doctors say this will pass. That this is just a result of burn out, caused by prolonged and excessive stress. Many people confuse stress and being overworked with burn out. They are incredibly wrong, uninformed and naïve. Stress involves too much: too many pressures that demand too much of you. But, you can still manage if you can just get everything under control. Burnout, on the other hand, is about not enough and results in your feeling empty, devoid of motivation, and beyond caring.  It is feeling undervalued, unappreciated and lacking in control. When you are burned out you don’t see any hope for positive change in your situation. The former is drowning in responsibilities and the later is being all dried up. I am all dried up like a dead rotting flower, its petals falling helplessly and unnoticed to the earth.

Right now I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I am hoping, no, praying, that someone pierces that darkness with a pin and let’s the light stream in. In the end it will have to be me. But right now I don’t even have the ability to find the pin, let alone use it to pierce the darkness.

THE DEATH OF CHIMINGA DOMINGUEZ

My dear friend Chiminga Dominguez died recently. She had been despondent and depressed for quite some time. Sadly, most of those who knew her were blind to her pain, even after she spoke up and expressed it several times, both in person and in emails. She reached out to those who said they were her friends; she asked for help; she shared her exhaustion. But few listened. Even fewer heard her soulful cries for help. These so called friends had promised they would help her, only to abandon her when she actually asked. Some even criticized her for asking. That truly broke Chiminga’s heart.

And so, feeling completely helpless, hopeless and abandoned, Chiminga threw herself in front of an Army tank while the people she had come to love and serve watched from the sidelines. As she lay bleeding to death on the hot pavement in the blistering sun, they stood around talking about themselves. No one lifted a finger to save her. No one ran to her side to administer aid. In fact, some simply laughed and said good riddance.

Everyone may not miss Chiminga, but I, for one, will miss her spirit and her soul. She cared more than she should. She gave more than she got with nary a thank you or word of appreciation or gratitude from those from whom she needed it most. In the end, her death is their loss.

May you finally rest in peace my friend.

Unbeliveable

Who would have believed that Iowa and Vermont would join Massachussettes and Connecticut in permitting Gay Marriage before California. I applaud the courage of the legislature in Vermont in passing Gay Marriage and overriding the Governor’s veto and the Supreme Court of Iowa in their recognition that all of us, gay and straight, are entitled to equal protection and to exercise the most basic of fundamental rights – to love the person of our choosing. Now we only need wait and see if the California Supreme Court has the courage to do the right thing and ensure equality for all Americans.